“How did the Nukey War start, Oldfather?”
“Well …” [I stoke the fire] “It was Hashtag International Cat Day…”
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My husband broadcasts the Imperial March over Google home when my mother pulls into the driveway.
It’s scarier than any movie I’ve ever seen.
Me: I want my kids to have lots of friends
Me, when these friends visit: WTF they are so annoying
Is it a bad sign when your 8 year old laptop starts smoking?
Or is it just going through a rebellious phase?
When I was little I asked God for a bike. He didn’t deliver so I stole a bike and asked for forgiveness instead.
NATE (naive): Want to share a pickle with me? Oh wait, I don’t have a knife.
ME (has seen Lady and the Tramp): Don’t even worry, pal.
No one rushes to view your WhatsApp status like people who have their read receipt off.
My greatest fear is waking up after being buried alive so I’ve decided to be cremated
*wakes up in cremation oven*
[on my deathbed]
Me: Where…*cough* where is your father?
Kids: *crying by my side* being consoled by your girlfriends.
Me: I’M UP!!!
[Spelling bee]
Moderator: your word is *looks at card and sees Worcestershire* uh-
Contestant:
Moderator: *sweating*
Contestant:
Moderator: forklift
[family brunch]
Sister: We’d love you to be our daughter’s godmother.
Me: No thank you. Please pass the syrup.
I didn’t buy any junk food when I last left my house, March 19th…I am intensely regretting that decision.
Thank God all of Texas can un-pucker again while they sleep.
4 can finally say the letter l. However, he has over corrected and started randomly replacing letters with ls. It’s lucking conlusing.
There is really no good way to work “garçon” into dirty talk and yet that hasn’t stopped me from trying.
Do I have a plan for the zombie apocalypse? I don’t even have a battery in my smoke detector and fire is real.
20’s me: heartburn, I don’t believe it exists
30’s: ope, I think that might have been heartburn
40’s: orange juice is a drink for young people
Boss: I expect total transparency from my staff
Trevor: That’s not always practic—
John the Jellyfish: NO PROBLEM BOSS
friend: I have a theory that the center of the Earth will cool and become solid
me: wow, that’s hardcore
@funTweeters thanks so much!! 😘
Moms have an amazing superpower: we can speak at full volume without anyone hearing us.
Just once I wish the McDonald’s drive-thru would say “I love you too.”
What if Waldo isn’t actually hiding, and he’s just photo bombing all of those pictures?
I don’t need to go to Christian Mingle to find God’s match for me because I already know it’s pizza
Break the ice when sending business emails by being the first to use a poop emoji
Things that don’t kill bees:
1. Furniture polish
2. Febreeze
3. Butter
4. Screaming
Sometimes I wish I was an octopus so I could hit 8 colleagues at once.
I could easily defuse any bomb as long as the bomb squad guy told me what to do through the headset
[sees that my girlfriend from 3rd grade is getting married] Wow- you didn’t waste any time, did you Becky
[guy inventing wicker furniture]
think I might knit myself a chair
What’d you do this weekend, Aimee?
*shuts off lights & pulls out flashlight*
*acts out weekend with shadow puppets*