TOP 5 USES FOR APPLES:
1. creating sin
2. inventing gravity
3. keeping doctors away
4. shooting off of a child’s head
5. pie
You Might Also Like
Cereal. Check.
Milk. Check.
Bread. Check.
Fruit. Check.
Salad. Check.
Wow, the looks I am getting! Guess I could have paid w/ 1 check.
Nicki Minaj washes off her Halloween make up to reveal Lady Gaga who washes her face to reveal Madonna who washes her face to reveal an Emu.
Chef: And then you just cover it with gravy and cheese
Me: Don’t stop, you’re poutine me in the mood
Therapist: where do you think your fear of chickens came from?
me: well, I am not certain but
Dear Olive Garden,
They grow on trees. Your name should be Olive Orchard. Seems like someone could have googled this.
Taking inventory at a granite warehouse is counter productive.
Going to change my display name here to “Actually…,” so I won’t have to type it out every time I reply to a tweet.
me: what do you know about atoms?
friend: very little
me: besides that
If only I had invested $1000 in Google back in 1997 I’d have $14.5 billion right now. Too bad my loser parents made me go to middle school instead.
Me: Man I love the eighties
Grandparents: We have names
My new single, “New Single” is available now from my new album, “Available Now”, available now.
My wife says I remind her of James Bond. I’m bad at following orders, I’m emotionally dead, and she’d like to see the role go to Idris Elba.
If the voices in my head had a British accent, I would do what they say more often.
You know when you’ve taken your glasses off but it feels like they’re still on your head? I’m like that but with pants. I’ve literally just touched my head but my pants weren’t there.
After all these years I still know how to make my husband moan loudly, I just ask him to do a chore around the house.
my co worker is getting married.
She said that she didn’t realize how expensive changing her last name is.
Her and her husband decided if they are going to spend money to have last names changed, they will choose something they both want.
Their new last name will be Nighthawk
rhino: how did you go extinct?
dinosaur: giant meteor from space, you?
rhino: hunted by cruel man, how about you big guy
panda: just couldn’t be bothered to have sex to be honest, just fell over a lot, rolled about
Sorry I slowed down but I had to calculate if the bridge could hold the weight of my car with all the stuffed animals my kids insisted on bringing on vacation
*feels the wind in my toe hair
I don’t know where it went wrong, but even Barbie has a nicer house and car than me.
I put my shoes on like everyone else. I beckon for my footman, Chauncey, and he does it straightaway. Your guy probably has a different name
Me: GIMME FUEL GIMME FIRE GIMME THAT WHICH I DESIRE
Barista: Once again, I’m going to need a specific coffee order
Nudes are overrated. You should probably just send me a picture of those little plastic swipy things in your wallet.
Boy if these walls could talk I’d be like “HOLY SHIT TALKING WALLS”
Angel: So the sins are deadly.
God: Yep!
Angel: So like, do you die if you commit one?
God: Well, no.
Angel: So why call them deadly?
God: It’s like *waving arms* spooky, you know?
WHAT DO WE WANT?
A REALLY FAST CAR TO DRIVE PAST!
WHEN DO WE WANT IT?
NNNEYOWWWWWwwwww…
Me: {choking on something}
My husband: {whacking me on the back}
Me: OW STOP
The lawn guy asks to use my bathroom. A flicker of doubt. Is it safe to have a stranger in my house? Do I put out the fancy soap?
“Look, officer, I’m not being a smartass. All I’m sayin’ is if you caught me then you were speeding too”.
[first day as waiter]
Customer: Do you ever have second thoughts?
Me: *sweating* I can ask the chef.