Wife: Been a long time since we went on a vacation.
Me: Great idea. Where do you wanna go?
Wife: Some place romantic. Paris.
Me: Ok. And I’ll go to Thailand.
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that’s exactly what a van without puppies would say
It turns out the answer to my problems wasn’t at the bottom of this pint of ice cream, but the important thing is that I tried.
Note to self: just because my phone has a camera, that does not make me a photographer or a porn star.
What if we misunderstood the expression? What if it’s not time that heals all wounds but thyme, the herb, that holds mystical healing powers? And all this time God has been shouting from heaven “You idiots! Just sprinkle thyme on it!!”
Wouldn’t that be something?
[on my deathbed]
me: a….ah…..
wife: what is it!! what are you trying to say?
me: ah…… alexa…… play despacito
I love how the cat trips me when I’m trying to refill his water bowl so that I get a water all over both of us, but then HE glares at ME.
Best table by far
Always get double toppings on take out pizza so you can eat one of the toppings off as an appetizer during your drive home.
I wish I were an octopus so that the answer to all of my problems would be, ‘change color and escape in a cloud of ink’
OK. Hear me out. We are acquiring way too many of these and you’re not good at keeping them dusted anyway. So, let’s just dump EVERYONE’S cremated remains into this big one and clear up some table space.
“the average CEO reads 52 books a year” yeah bc they don’t have a JOB
WIFE: You know Hogwarts isn’t real? It’s just part of series of fantasy novels.
ME: *chasing an owl around my garden*
WHATEVER MUGGLE!!!
Boss: What are you doing here on a Saturday??
Me (eating leftovers from fridge): …reports.
There’s nothing church people love more than getting teenagers and young adults to move all the chairs
Just another unrealistic body expectation for women
I’d be fine with a ghost living with me if each time a bloody message appeared it was something helpful like YOUR KEYS ARE IN THE FRONT DOOR
Get ahead at the office by taking work home with you over the weekend. No need to work on it just make sure people see you take it home…
Ice skating is like walking in cursive
I have no idea where my birth certificate or social security card are, but here are 417 receipts from Target from the past 2 years.
Ah, I see my old arch nemesis, the bottom of the bottle, has arrived.
“Having sex for money is bad because it is counterfeiting feelings” wow dude, I have bad news about every other customer service job ever
It is said the population of sheep in New Zealand is 60 Million.
How did they stay awake to figure THAT one out?
My husband told me I was beautiful for the first time tonight
Sure, he was drunk and using a Scooby Doo voice but I’ll take it
Someone once asked me if I was drunk.
I said yes.
That was the shortest job interview I’ve ever had.
Called in, “I’m a time traveler. I came in today yesterday.”
Pre-Having Daughters:
*Hates hearing “NO” from womenPost-Having Daughters:
*Teaches them “NO” in 167 different languages including Klingon
mom: how was the ballgame
me: they showed sex on tv
mom: what?
dad: he means the kiss cam
me: haha no *crossing out line in notebook* that’s for sure different than sex and I knew that
I’ve never texted someone to let them know I made it home safe. Shoulda come with me if you wanted details
My parents are 75 and 84. My son & I do frequent drive-by visits to make sure they have what they need. Today, I guess they needed to party.