So, #Dorners ID was found in San Diego a week ago and then unmelted in the burned down cabin? sounds legit.
You Might Also Like
When people’s driving tweets end mid sentence, did the paramedics find their phone and hit send?
love it when you say or do some common sense thing and the other person has “file not found” written all over their face
There’s a whole world of people out there!
*closes the door*
[being eaten by a shark]
me: babe you’re using too much teeth
What did Jay-Z call Beyoncé before they got married?
Feyoncé…
The only thing I DON’T like about renting a summer cottage is having to adapt to a new kitchen. You reach for the chef’s knife but pull out the bread knife because the handles are identical! And there’s NO time to make another selection because the killer is coming right at you.
Important
The car salesman said my vehicle will seat five people without any problems. How am I suppose to find five people without any problems?
Watching A Quiet Place and being reminded of all those times I’ve got home drunk trying to be as quiet as possible……I’d be dead in the first 30 seconds of this movie.
TSA: Sir, you can’t bring that bottle of whiskey on the flight.
Me: Um, this is my Service Whiskey. See his little vest?
TSA: ….
My wife is scrolling through Netflix to see what shows I watched between now and when she asked me to vacuum. Shiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiit.
Me: I don’t care how cute you are, I will tear you to shreds if you don’t start cooperating.
Wrapping paper: *rips*
Your make-up application says “I failed Clown College”.
Me: Why aren’t you in bed?
5: I need smooth jazz.
Me: Uh what?
5: I NEED YOU TO PLAY ME SMOOTH JAZZ!
Therapist: You try too hard to get people to like you
Me: [painting her toenails] I need a “for instance”
CASHIER: its declined
ME: run it again
C: sir, is this one of those fake credit cards they mail out
ME: no
C: your name is “local resident”?
im getting some exciting spam emails lately
your annual reminder that rodents have no ability to predict the weather.
If I die before I wake, I pray the lord has ice cream cake.
Hey girl are you my golf clubs? Because I tottaly forgot to take you out of my trunk.
“Where you going, we’re in the middle of a conversation.”
OMG! This is just the middle.
Annnnnd that’s how the fight started.
*popular kid is struggling in class
*gets a tutor to help
*Kool-Aid
We must preserve our bookstores. There are so few places you can go to slide sideways on a ladder
The real heroes are my neighbours in a 5km radius during my quarantine bagpipe practice
(Invention of the necktie)
I can’t figure out how to tie this silk noose. Looks like I’ll have to go to the dinner party after all.
WIFE: Ok *deep sigh* why are you in the bathtub w/ a horse?
ME: [soaping behind Mr Butters’ ears] It’s called a stable relationship, Thelma
If the kids are so noisy from the backseat you can hear them above the music, it obviously wasn’t cranked up loud enough to begin with.
My 2yo said she is a grown up. I told her she isn’t, that she is a toddler. She replied, “No, I’m a grown up. I’m going to touch knives.”
*throws coin in fountain*
stranger: can you not do that?
Me: just want my wish to come true
S: this is a drinking fountain
m: wish came true