Hey guys, I almost did a backflip today!
EMT: Please try not to speak, sir.
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Me: Now that I’m an adult, I can eat whatever I want.
Metabolism:
My daughter says she’s not mad at me but she did just hug her dad and tell him, “I love you more than anyone” without breaking eye contact with me.
“Have kids,” they said.
Pronounces Gene Hackman like Pac-Man and you won’t convince me i’m wrong
I love when my husband says, “correct me if I’m wrong,” like I would pass up that opportunity.
Me: Holy shit I have so much to do
[Has a snack]
[Takes a nap]
[Watches 11 videos of UFO sightings on YouTube] l
[Stares at a tree]
Holy shit I have so much to do
[Has a snack]
*first date*
Him: You’re very interesting.
Me: Thank you.
Him: And fun to be around.
Me: That’s nice, thanks.
Him: You need to stop all of that if this is going to work.
Me:
Him: I’m just trying to help you. Change is good.
Me: Check please!
Still writing 2023 on all my ransom notes.
[Restaurant]
Waiter: “Can I box any of this food for you?”
Me: “You can uppercut this piece of chicken.”
Yesterday my son told me I was the funniest person he knows which was so sweet. Then he asked for twenty dollars.
Being my friend is great because I will probably make you a lasagna at some point but terrible because I will make you listen to a five hour Spotify playlist
5 year old: Mommy, I traded 31 emeralds for 41 bread!
Me: Cool! I just did that at Whole Foods
Girlfriend mentioned she was lacking iron in her diet.
I gave her all my wrinkled shirts.
And that’s how the fight started.
“So you’re a poet” says the waitress, gliding past. I vainly attempt to slow my reaction but knock over my beer trying to cover the words ‘glistening moose hips’
TECH HIRING MANAGER: Have you done IT work before?
PENNYWISE: Done IT? Pal, I’ve lived IT
OMG I forgot to read my horoscope and now I have no idea what life has in store for me today!!!!!!
CHILD: *breathes*
PERSON: You need to keep your child under control, they should be still, quiet, unhappy and oppressed like an adult at all times!PUPPY: *bites persons face off and pees on them*
PERSON: Don’t you dare apologize, he’s a puppy! He’s still learning!
ME: So it’s like a spank bank for your feelings?
THERAPIST: Most people just call it a journal, but sure
me on the way to work having not cooked anything in at least three weeks: shit, did i turn off the stove?
The way I act when I have to line my wheel up at the car wash you would think I’m trying to land a 747 on a tightrope.
Genie: i will give you 3 wishes
Me: okay i’ll take 3 dolphins
Genie: i said wishes, not fishes
Me: dolphins are mammals idiot
Cashier: Big weekend plans?
Me: *putting pile of microwaveable meals for one on counter* You know it.
An egg looks at another egg and says:
“Why are you so hairy?”
“Shut up, I’m a kiwi!”
#RubbishJokes #TuesdayVibe
Him: What’s wrong with the dog?
Me: Vet thinks he ate bird poo.
Him: What kind of bird poo?
Me: Idk…a duck, a cardinal, a pterodactyl…does it matter?
Him: You and I both know that if our dog ate pterodactyl poo it ABSOLUTELY DOES matter…
Me:
Him: (whispers) It does matter.
Historians: so we’re gonna name this war the 80 years war
Me: so that means it lasted 80 years right
Historians: you FOOL. you utter buffoon. You ignorant being
[labels account “18+”]
[tweets exclusively about voting & buying cigarettes legally]
me: am I awake or dreaming
a giant dragonfly, setting down his tea cup: honestly idk what this is
him: will you at least act normal when my folks get here
me: *flipping a pancake and reading it like a tarot card* bad news
I should have just told her she smells nice and left out the like Grandma’s pierogis part.
People telling me “Don’t be stupid” like I have some kinda say in the matter.
[first date]
Me: so what do you do
Her: I’m a stay at home mom
Me: *leans in close* then what are you doing outside of that house