I found eleven dollars in the dryer this morning and spent the rest of my day interviewing investment advisors.
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9yo: My best friend is going to be gone for 2 weeks on vacation. It’s going to be the worst.
Me: Well, it gives us the chance to hang out.
9yo: You’re making it worse.
Any restaurant can be family style if the waiter criticizes your order
Just want to point out the NRA’s plan to stop school shootings is literally the plot of Kindergarten Cop.
If my name was Dave I’d text my friends today saying “IT’S FRIDAVE! LET’S PARTY!”. They’d be sick of me by Tuesdave.
You’re worried about the home hairdressing? Wait till you have to resort to home dentistry.
Hear me out:
Brunch where pajama attire is required.
My rap name is “NO PLANZ.”
It’s great that interstates have rest areas. But things like Wednesdays really need rest areas too.
[bald eagles exchanging gifts]
*holds out gift*
You didn’t get me a toupee again, did you?
-Uhh…
*slowly pulls gift back*
Old guys always send me a “Good morning beautiful” and never a “V, you are the only beneficiary of my 3 million dollars life insurance”… Romance is dead
I’m glad we’re finally banning plastic straws. It’s about time we started caring about camels and their fragile backs
DOCTOR: Do you have any questions?
“Can I shower with this cast?”
DOCTOR: What do you think, guys?
PHOEBE, JOEY, CHANDLER, MONICA: Sure!
If youre giving mouth-to-mouth, and you don’t want to get germs, you can put a harmonica between your lips and the victim’s
The single greatest thing I’ve done as a parent is convince my kids that Twix are gross and that they should give them all to me.
Happy Halloween!
I call my wife the iNag because she has 32GB of complaints and they’re set on shuffle.
My favorite way to tell the DJ their music sucks is just yelling at the speaker: “ALEXA NEXT” and then making harsh eye contact with them
[Dog office]
Dog 1: excuse me this is my desk – I pissed on it so..
Dog 2: I just pissed higher on it
D1: son of a
D2: SON OF A WHAT, DAVID?
Maybe leave yourself in a hot car with a window open one inch for 15 minutes while your dog runs into the store
“Why would you watch *Sports Anime* when you don’t even play the sport” Well why would you watch Naruto when you’re not a ninja
Adele is an amazing singer. The problem is, when one of her songs comes on, everyone else thinks they are, too
Me: *cooking a Caribbean meal*
Her: smells great in there, and I hear you’re playing a little steel drum music to get us in the mood
Me: *frantically scraping cremated jerk chicken from pan* steel drum music, yes
“I’m liking where this is going” I said, pointing to a potato chip making its way toward my face.
7 A.M.: I will only eat the wholesome low-calorie whole grain cereal with skim milk.
MIDNIGHT: Where are the chocolates? I must have more chocolates!
I hate all the “creepy clown” news. I’m having a clown solidarity march at dusk near an abandoned insane asylum. Need a calliope player.
There are two types of stuff in life:
1) The stuff you need to know.
2) The stuff you want to know.
3) Maths.
If I had a dog I’d say “I have a bone to pick with you!” and then we’d go to PetSmart to pick a bone and we’d laugh & laugh & can dogs laugh
*stranded on a deserted island*
Message in a liquor bottle: BYOB
When you’re alone in your room, start doing karate so ghosts know what’s up.
With age comes wisdom. And digestive trouble.
Nice try, resealable potato chip bags.