Was invited into a group DM called procrastinators, it’s been two weeks I’m still waiting to be added….
*my kind of people
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Me: I think I’ll leave my car windows cracked so it’s not so hot later
Pollen: lol, ok
She: “I am expecting…”
Me: “Whoa! Congrats.”
She: “…someone at 3.”
Requiring everyone’s clocks to be the same is communism. Let the free market decide what time it is
My friend says I’m self-absorbed, so I took a long, hard look at myself. Beautiful
*after eating 5300 calories of chinese food in 1 sitting* is nausea a symptom of covid
My wife went into labor this morning and I was excited until I saw that it’s somebody’s birthday on FB that I didn’t like.
Japan’s theme parks have banned screaming on roller coasters because it spreads coronavirus. “Please scream inside your heart.”
No human will ever understand humiliation like a dog who happens to run into a wolf while wearing a sweater.
[any baby is born]
society: first thing we gotta do is teach it animal sounds
Birds wouldn’t be so smug in zero gravity, I bet
I always say “goodbye” to the Wal-Mart greeter, just to close that loop.
I wish I had the determination of my wife who’s still flipping through radio stations as we pull into our driveway.
What I like about humanity is that certain mustaches are more evil than others, and everyone basically agrees on which ones are which.
Writing some Valentines, do girls prefer to be called “slick” or “chief”???
“Plumber kept hitting things with his head, attempted to climb INTO drain, took my coin collection, killed my pet turtle.
0/10 stars, would not recommend.”
– Super Mario Bros. Online review
I like to split up my kid’s orange so he can refuse to eat half at lunch and refuse to eat the other half at snack
I was just interrogated by my 7yo who, frankly, was SHOCKED to discover her dad is my first and only husband and I don’t want to know what that says about me
*me trying to bond with my 30 year old male coworkers* ah yes, i also had a brutal leg day, i woke up again with legs
Monster under the bed: Look, I was going to scare you but this is sad. You’ve been in bed for 15 hours.
Me: I’ll go to the restroom after the next episode is over.
Monster: You said that last episode, I just want to go see my kids.
My boss: *flicks ash off cigarette* So I says to her, I says “Relax, babe, I only objectify hot chicks. You’re safe” lol
HR: *scribbling furiously* Slow down, I don’t want to miss any- AARGH! HAND CRAMP!
*Plot Twist*
Your dog loses his mind with excitement when you leave for work instead of when you get home.
If lemonade is made from lemons, what’s a colonnade made from?
My wife: did you get high and watch samurai movies again
Me, crying: yes
My wife: did he die because he was burdened by the very code he lives for again
Me, my voice breaking into a sob: yes
There are not enough romantic comedies about a small town girl falling in love with a city pizza.
Accidentally triple-knotted my laces so I guess I’m wearing these shoes for the rest of my life.
Librarian: Can I help you?
Me: Yeah, I’m looking for a book about-
Librarian: Being psychic?
Me: No…
Librarian: One day that will work.
Marriage Counselor: Maybe you should change your responses to the things your wife says.
Me: Fine, I can do that.*two days later*
Her: Do these jeans make me look fat?
Me: Yep.
Me: “Can you please help me with my Tinder profile? I’m not having much luck”
My wife:
If someone gives you sad eyes, give them sadder eyes. You must win this.