(Date)
“What’s wrong?”
Oh nothing I’m just a nervous hummer
“Aw how cute!!”
*perfectly hums the entire Jurassic Park theme at full volume*
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Having a teen daughter the same shoe size as me is worth every single eye roll and sigh she dishes out because my shoe closet has doubled.
I lost my voice so basically I’m every mans dream girl right now.
Don’t name your car. It’s not a boat. Don’t name your boat either.
Her: If you hear something in the woods, you tell me. if you hear something in the water, you tell me. But under no circumstances are you allowed to take off your blindfold.
Me: All this just because you forgot to pack your makeup for our camping trip?
I was the beast man at my sister’s wedding, and there isn’t a day goes by that I don’t wish that that was a typo.
First day of our road trip going well. My husband made an itinerary showing the first scheduled stop at a Love’s gas station 275 miles away. What my husband forgot: I have physically birthed 4 children.
My husband keeps borrowing and losing my tweezers, so I’m naming this chin hair after him
When the instructions say so easy a child could do it, I assume you mean one of those genius 12-year-olds who double major at MIT.
If someone came to my door & said “We’ll give you a dollar for every plastic bag shoved under your kitchen sink.” I’d be living large.
Neighbor was pissed because Scrappy was barking this morning, I told him well you can’t get upset it’s what dogs do, especially after finding human bones in the yard.
PMS is just an excuse women use to eat all the good snacks & occasionally when committing murder.
I was driving with my teenage niece and she turned on a band and said “they’re kinda underground, but I like them.”
Green Day, the band was Green Day.
babe wake up, the chili discourse on Twitter has an update. someone made a deranged 30 tweet thread about carrots being in the chili despite there being no carro- babe no, babe stay awake, babe plea-
When it comes to gifts, I’m easy to buy for. I want what every woman wants: a domesticated raccoon that is willing to assist me with petty crimes.
*Cleans house*
*looks at family*
“I’m going to have to ask you to leave”
My son hates how I fuss about his birthday at his workplace.
So this year the Mariachi band will not be wearing hats.
Dear Cupid,
Next time hit both.
my friend, ted: i hear you’re pretty competitive
me: yeah i guess so
my enemy, ted: want to play a game
The plot thickens.
Mostly because my grave digger had no idea just how fat I was.
“This place couldn’t possibly get any messier!”
TODDLER: “Hold my bear.”
I was kinda flattered when the police sketch artist made me better looking.
You think you’re a good parent and then your child tells you they once tried to hide in the washer in a game of hide and seek
In my day, we didn’t have quiet quitting.
The 5:00 whistle would blare, you’d yell “Yabba dabba doo!” as loud as you could, then slide down the back of a dinosaur.
The ending of platonic relationships is way harder because it’s someone looking at your personality alone and being like no thanks
Bought one of those SMTWTFS, but I can’t pronounce that so I just call it a pill box.
Me, for fun: What do you think you want to be when you grow up? Teacher, engineer, doctor, lawyer…
8, angrily: I have told you many times I WANT TO DELIVER PIZZA.
Me: Well, that’s considerably less stress. And tuition.
The only person who listens to me in my house is my dog, and even he pees on the floor sometimes.
Mom. Dad. I like my coffee like I like my women. I don’t like coffee. I’m gay.
Gynecologists in small towns spend a lot of time looking up old friends