Wondering how long it’ll take for my boyfriend to realize every time he’s told me he loves me I’ve said I love YouTube
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Way ahead of you, “cashless society.”
Every Father’s Day I think about the time I jokingly asked my 4 year-old daughter if she was going to get me a “World’s Best Dad” mug. “Nope,” she said gravely. “I haven’t met all the dads in the world.”
If you get into a fight with a polar bear, boost your chances of success by requesting a postponement until 2065. There’s a good chance polar bears will be extinct by then so you’ll win by default for just turning up
Want healthy, youthful-looking skin? Follow this sure-fire daily routine:
1. Be young.
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If I was a judge, I’d keep a pile of walnuts with me on the table at all times. If I’m gonna use the gavel, I might as well eat some delicious walnuts.
When my wife wants my opinion, she’ll give it to me.
Why are they called drug mules instead of methengers?
“If decorative towels can be a thing then decorative grills can be a thing”
~Me buying a cool looking copper charcoal grill that I don’t really need.
*gets in taxi*
Me: Wow it’s cold out there, my hand is freezing.
Cabbie: Where to?
Me: (putting on other glove) You know what, you’re right.
At his funeral. I lay my hand on your shoulder. I apply pressure, gently, in an attempt to move you from in front of the snack table.
A router goes into a doctor’s office and says, “It hurts when IP.”
I don’t even like sleep, it’s just the only way I can eat spiders
Five parrots separated at British zoo after they wouldn’t stop swearing at guests
My 19 y.o. watched a show where a romance ended badly.
In a distressed voice, she asked: “WHY can’t we just have a HAPPY ENDING?”
I involuntarily muttered under my breath: “Because we don’t have the money to pay the masseuse.”
19 y.o.: “What?”
Me: “I didn’t say anything.”
Just picturing a bunch of roombas praying to a statue of a full sized vacuum cleaner
Answer my phone? No thanks.
I’ve seen what happens to Liam Neeson.
My kid needs me to help him with a report on any famous black scientist. Can we do Dr. Dre?
[when it’s my turn to introduce myself to the group] Hi my name is Tim and I didn’t hear any of your names cause I was so nervous about my turn and I probably won’t hear the next three or so cause I’ll be thinking about the weird way I said “nervous,” glad to be on the team
Sally: I Love You Mommy!
Me: Melts into a puddle.
Sally(5 minutes later to her breakfast): I Love You Waffles.
Me: Oh. ☹️
WELL WELL WELL, if it isn’t the lady who’s baby I stole.
Trump says that Obama founded ISIS but in his defense Donald thinks that founded is a synonym for “located”
Me: *sees someone coming down hallway*
Them: Aimee! Hey!
Me: *turns and presses face against wall*
Them: Aimee?
Me: *closes eyes*
art teacher: …and that’s how you paint a face
picasso: *running in* sorry, i’m late. what did i miss?
6: *practicing her gymnastics beam routine*
Me, with my hand stuck in a Pringles can: don’t forget to point your toes!
You are not your own worst enemy.
You have many more enemies.
[Wakes up to a mysterious noise]
Lover, is that you?*Refrigerator hums loudly*
Me: One day, when you’re older, I’m gonna come to your house and ask you for a snack every 5 min and beg you to take me places and buy me stuff constantly
9yo: …and I’ll say no to all of it, just like you do
“Insomnia sure is frustrating” he said wide-awakely.
Me: nice car
Friend: yeah 400 horsepower
Me: that’s like 7000 ducks
Friend: what
Me: what