WIFE: Did you get the baby their shots?
ME: Of course
BABY: [licking salt off wrist] WOOOO
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Cauliflower: *ring ring*
Textiflower: *ping*
Hey girl, do you like bad boys? *tries to look cool by flicking my cig, but it’s an e-cig so I have to run and get it*
The new Call of Duty physics got us distracted… 😅
[skating together on a frozen pond]
Her: Isn’t this romantic?
Me: *sees a ‘danger thin ice’ sign, makes a beeline for it* hell yeah
her: there’s a huge spider in the kitchen
me: I’ll take care of it[2 minutes later]
her: is it done?
me: yah, house goes up for sale tomorrow
Reverse cowboy is when you scatter the herd and actively promote bandits and wolves to take what they will.
Coworker: will I be seeing you at the office ugly sweater party?
Me: no, I’m not ugly
mowed ⅓ of the lawn before my body remembered I haven’t exercised in 40 years
Knowing that Tolkien’s original name for Frodo was Bingo, this is all I can think of whenever I watch this scene.
*Looks out the window to see it raining fire and brimstone* “Oh man my car windows are down!”
me: I think some people are birds in disguise
friend: lol can I tweet that
me: *narrows eyes* can you what
We as humans are so lazy and entitled at this point. For example, I just typed two letters of a word on my laptop and then sat there waiting for something or someone else to do the rest.
If anyone asks me about a movie, I say I only go to movies for the popcorn.
I’m almost 45 years old and I’ve never been to an open house before. Can I use their toaster?
5 year old: can we just have dessert for dinner tonight? I’m asking you first because you make great decisions.
me: I invited my boss to dinner
her: I thought you hated him
me: I didn’t have any choice
my boss: should I leave?
[3am]
Me:
My Dog: time to set the world record for licking noises
Jogging
DOCTOR: “Ok, now PUSH!”
WOMAN IN LABOUR: “Should I be doing this in my state?”
DR: [leaning out of car window] “Less talky, more pushy.”
Priest: Do you take this woman do be your lawful wedded wife?
Yoda: Do I
Priest: That’s what I’m asking
Yoda: *long sigh*
Is it solipsistic in here or is it just me?
Why do people insist on saying “You’re next” to me at weddings? Do they not realize how serial killery that is?
*splashes water on my face*
*looks up, squinting into the mirror in front of me*
My socks are now soaked. They don’t mention that in the
Neutrogena commercials.
Watching Jaws with my 6 year old because I’m sick of going to the beach
If your job doesn’t have a dress code, start wearing scrubs to it. Don’t say anything just do it and don’t answer any questions about it either
All these people dying on vacation kinda makes me feel better about being poor.
NEW DRINKING GAME:
1) Put on the new Twilight movie
2) When you press play, take 59 shots of vodka so you can die before it starts.
[A bengals fan watching Titanic] I can’t wait until the end when Jack and Rose get married
My upstairs neighbours are absolutely nailing their blacksmithing class.
doctor: I’m going to take out your appendix
me: oh okay *shouts at my belly* YOU HAVE A SUITOR