Salon has hairs on the floor
Garages have oil on the floorBanks, What鈥檚 exactly your problem 馃槶
You Might Also Like
My memory is horrible but I remember every person I loaned a book to that didn’t return it.
[marriage counseling]
She thinks I make bad decisions
“He hired a clown for my nana’s funeral”
PEOPLE NEEDED CHEERING UP, KAREN
i wanted som fried chicken but i didnt hav any chicken so i fried a egg and now im waitig for it to hatch
[restaurant]
Me: I’m gonna run into their kitchen and grab some extra cheese
Her: … you definitely don’t have permission
Me: It’s actually pronounced parmesan
Nothing makes me scream louder during sex than when my husband calls to let me know he’s on his way home from work.
When I was a kid I was afraid to drink kool-aid because I didn鈥檛 want a giant hole in my wall that I had to explain to my mother, like, could you imagine?
My ex is such a loser that if there was a competition for the world’s biggest loser, he’d still only win 2nd place.
I just saw a tiktok of Meghan Trainor putting tomato sauce, mozzarella, and pepperoni on a RICE CAKE and called it pizza. Nary a drop of Italian blood in my body but I am not ashamed to admit that I wept.
Finally, somewhere I can take my Croissant Bernard.
I once found a deflated “Get Well Soon” balloon in a graveyard and there’s never been anything more representative of the human condition.
My friend told me he doesn’t believe in having children so now I’m wondering if other people can see mine or if it’s just me
You never really know if you鈥檙e out of invisible ink
Murderman V. Another Murderman: Dawn of Murdering
#BatmanvSuperman
me: what kind of plane do you fly?
pilot: private.
me: it鈥檚 ok i won鈥檛 tell anyone.
Being shitty in a relationship is actually doing the world a favor if your partner is a songwriter
Me: …so anyway, the doctor said I might be lactose intolerant
Mom: *hysterical crying*
Dad: you鈥檙e a disgrace to the State of Wisconsin. Don鈥檛 come home for Thanksgiving. *slams down phone*
*jumps out of plane*
*begins reading parachute instruction manual*
STEP 1: PUT ON PARACHUTE
*looks up*
Well hell
Men always say they like strong, smart women until you argue with them. And then they’re all like: You talk too much….and I want my Mommy.
My first day in hell I accidentally bump into the meteor that killed the dinosaurs in the cafeteria. Everyone gasps. Satan drops his fork.
Tampax needs to extend the string to 2ft so I can hang myself with it every month.
It鈥檚 so reassuring when your nephew asks for your birth year and then replies with woah, did you go to war?
I made a smoothie with oat milk. It was horrible. So next time I will use this recipe:
1.) Take carton of oat milk. Change name on carton to boat milk with sharpie.
2.) Next, float it out to middle of lake.
3.) Last, light it on fire like a Viking funeral.
“You did it!”
“You did it!”
“You did it!”
-dog watching me fail to solve a rubiks cube
Me: *staring into mirror*
Bloody Mary, Bloody Mary, Bloody Mary
*skeleton bartender appears and slides me a drink*
SB: $8.50, $8.50, $8.50
I wear a stethoscope so that in a medical emergency I can teach people a valuable lesson about assumptions.
Boss: Thank you for paying attention for this five hour meeting, I really appreciate your focus
Me: *still wondering when it鈥檚 the perfect time to tell him he has a booger in his nose* no problem
Me: I鈥檓 going to shower
6: you鈥檙e beautiful! You don鈥檛 need to shower!
Me: Aw, than-
6: just some make up would help
Psychiatrist: what are your future goals?
Me: I can鈥檛 tell you because you鈥檒l try to stop me
Park Ranger: *Looking at morbidly obese ducks* Was this you?
Jesus: *trying to hide the rapidly multiplying bread loaves* No sir