Shot to the heart
And you’re to blame
You drink shots
With bad aim
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Me (digging a hole): how’s this?
My clone: at least 6 feet deeper
Me: you sure there’s treasure?
My Clone: toss me up your keys bud
me: *holding bowling ball*
friend: going bowling?
me: nope— playing enormous marbles
pineapples would be so much better if they didn’t eat you back.
*puts almost empty milk carton back in fridge*
[wife texts me from France]
“Really?”
*rushes in*
“Sorry I didn’t see the email”
*slow smile*
*twirls hair*[Teaching office new girl how to be late for meetings]
My ability to do the worm originated from tripping, landing on my face and being too lazy to get up to walk to bed
cop: [making list of animals that escaped]
zookeeper: “the tigers should be your top priority”
cop: [scribbling out ducks] “obviously”
*pushes math homework away in 1990*
I’ll never need this
*getting yelled at by subway customer in 2014*
I WANT THE BREAD CUT LIKE A RHOMBUS
My wife is scrolling through Netflix to see what shows I watched between now and when she asked me to vacuum. Shiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiit.
landlord put a coin-op pay box on the laundry a month into our stay so I’m looking up the manufacturer and buying a replacement key for it to steal my quarters back.
if you write “keep it together, man” without the comma you end up creating a new superhero named “keep it together man” and frankly if there’s one guy we need right now it’s him.
Hobby Lobby and Chick-Fil-A have one thing in common: I never go there.
I never remember names, so name dropping is basically useless around me.
11 famous chickens who flew the coop, number 7 will surprise you
– cluckbait
I just got belted in my face by a rogue piece of carrot that fell out of my sports bra while doing downward facing dog.
“Am I the only one who-?”
There are over 7 billion people on earth. No. No you’re not the only one.
[grandma’s house]
Little Red Riding Hood: Are you going to eat me?
Wolf: I just want my hoodie back.
Barbie gone wild
Me: “I’ve been really under the weather lately.”
Doctor: “When did your symptoms start?”
Me (checks watch): “1985.”
Boss: i’m taking off today. if nothing urgent happens you can leave 2 hours early.
me: thanks!
server, 10 mins before I could leave early: hey – hi. *cough. dies*
Guy in front of me at McDonald’s: I’ll take two of everything
Me: IS THERE A FLOOD
I DON’T KNOW ABOUT?
Every time my sexual partner changes positions or stops for a second I respond with “recalculating…”
All my neighbors are meticulously landscaping their yards and I’m over here giving each of my weeds a nickname
All these years you thought your grandma had Alzheimers, and turns out she just didn’t want to talk to you.
I’m a big Kate Bush fan, and thanks to her I’ve just discovered a fascinating historical drama series called Stranger Things, all about youngsters in America a long time ago.
I’ve gained a couple lbs so I went and bought some new granny panties and I’ve gotta say if there’s a fire at our house my 7yr old can use those suckers to parachute from the top floor to safety.
After last night’s egg dyeing fiasco, and all the egg hiding and sugared up kids ranging from 9 to 2, I’m gonna need a little coffee in my whisky to get through the rest of the day.
after a certain point in life the “walk of shame” is about a plunger
CW: My wedding is going to be expensive!
Me: Wait till you see what the divorce is going to cost you!
Die Hard led me to believe I’d experience more machine guns and high body count on Christmas Eve.