You could eat off my bedroom floor. It’s not clean, but it is sturdy enough to support most food.
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The Backseat Boys
Your first mistake was leaving your dessert on the table; your second mistake was trusting me not to eat it.
Having kids is great because you get to ask fun questions like why is there a volleyball in the refrigerator?
All women are technically bodybuilders if they get pregnant
Mushrooms are about 75 years away from inventing the computer but for now, bon Appetit
I do not envy the youth. Imagine starting college in the year 2022: you’re totally pumped, can’t wait for the best 4 years of your life, and then you find out….your roommate is really into crypto.
ME: I’ll take that angry cantaloupe.
FRUIT STALL VENDOR: You mean the pineapple?
[at a wedding]
*bridesmaids walk to stage*
5 year old: Does he get to pick?
ME AS A MARRIAGE COUNSELOR:
I signed you both up for Tinder*1 week later
ME: You still want a divorce?
THEM: OMG NO THAT WAS HORRIFYING
Some people were born into their job.
Don’t drive me crazy… unicycle me there. Show some originality, man!
What idiot called it Kenny Loggins describing how he visited Bethlehem to see the Christ child and not “I went to the Manger Zone”?
Merry Christmas everyone
If you see a kid who’s physically unusual somehow, be sure to mention it to the parents. Odds are, they’ve never noticed and will thank you.
I hate weddings, funerals and the symphony. I never know when to clap.
Halloween cuteness.. 🎃
🎥 IG: mr.smokey21
Wanna get rich?
Buy my book, ‘How to Get Stupid People on the Internet to Send You $39.95’ for only $39.95.
Our first Skype date was going really well until she figured out I was using her WiFi…from her porch.
Ok whatever idiot taught my kids that they’re beautiful just the way they are, can you tell them they still need to bathe.
Me: Did you see that woman’s swim suit?
Husband: The tall brunette? With the black bikini? Carrying a pink bag?
Me: Yes.
Husband:
Me:
Husband: No, I did not.
wut hotdog?
You say “Are you ok?” but I know you really mean “Stop coughing.”
My husband let me sleep in late and then made me pancakes.
Someone please let Dateline know my death was absolutely premeditated.
Dance like no one’s watching & cook like someone else is cleaning up that shit.
How to get a guys attention:
1. Take off your shirt
2. Be a TV
Home Alone 2? Shame on you. Home Alone 3? Shame on me.
Husband: Can I use your phone?
Me: *throwing phone in the ocean* My what?
Sorry I told you we should definitely hang out sometime and then didn’t answer my phone for 5 years
If I’m suddenly acting really nice to you, chances are it’s only because I want what you’re eating.
On my first day of lifeguard duty two people drowned but I won two games of Words with Friends so it was kind of a wash.