Me: I could tell you, but I’d have to-
Him: Kill me? hahaha
Me: No, talk to you. And I don’t wanna do that.
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Are we sure this new planet isn’t just Pluto wearing a wig?
Neighbour mowed his lawn at 6am… Logic dictates that I should get drunk in the backyard tonight and try to learn to play the didgeridoo.
My Body: we’re hungover
Me: but I didn’t drink anything
My Body: I don’t make the rules
*in the cinema, quietly reading the book of the movie*
Scientist: The eclipse will be just like this…
People: Wow, you were right.
Scientist: Now about climate change
People: Shut up egghead
Just wait. All of the Presidents will be on sale tomorrow
You can learn a lot when your children start moving out. For example, you may go upstairs and learn that you no longer own a couch.
Pretty rude of us to assume his name was Jaws
Putting tape over my webcam so the hackers can’t watch me take unreasonably large bites of food.
Job Posting: local pond looking to hire tadpole, must have previous experience as frog
My 6yo is excited at the possibility of being a ghost, but wants to know if her toys will remain real toys or become ghost toys
[Speed dating]
HER: I’m really into astronomy
ME: the moon follows me when I drive
Are 19th Century menstrual pads called period pieces?
I’d like to say I have a yoga body, but it’s really more of a Yoda body.
Resist all the cheese, I can’t.
Pick up a book, any book. Open to the middle, and read the first paragraph.
Make sense?
Welcome to Twitter.
When people say they want to give a voice to the voiceless I say like a ventriloquist?
G: Grandma (completely safe watch with grandma)
PG: Partial Grandma (slightly awkward)
PG13: 13 or more cusses (very awkward)
R: NO grandmas
Son: I still dont get why people marry.
Me: Well son, when a man & woman love each other very much they make a series of horrible decisions
[first day working for IKEA]
Customer: one nightstand please
Me: sorry, I’m married
[Shouts to passing jogger]
“Is there cake?”
4yo: What do you love most in the world?
Me: You & your brother
4yo: Oh
Me: What about you?
4yo: The fire tree in Plants vs. Zombies
Me: Oh
Parenting during the month of May has gotten so overwhelming that I’m trying to think of a minimally-invasive surgery I could schedule to get a few days of downtime
Don’t like your daughter’s boyfriend?
Leave this on his windshield.
Yes, auto-correct, I wanted to wish my friend a happy 4th of Judy.
Breakfast: “Coffee, please.”
Lunch: “Just grilled chicken over a small salad.”
Dinner: “I’ll take a wheelbarrow full of lasagna and enough chocolate to kill a horse.”
My daughter is interviewing with an ice cream shop. I told her that when they ask if she has any questions, she should say “Yeah, can you give me the SCOOP on what it’s like to work here?”
Two deer walk out of a bar. The one deer says to the other, “I can’t believe I blew 40 bucks in there!”
Sorry, I had nothing this morning, I’ll see myself out.
I’m never more independent than when a spider offers to help me with something.
I’ve finally found a place that sells peanut butter by the splat