WHAT ARE WE?
Writers!
WHAT ARE WE WRITING?
Snacks!
WAIT, WHAT?
Snacks first, THEN writing!
No, wait, coffee/tea too!
Maybe a nap beforehand!
THEN WRITING?
No, then Twitter
THEN WRITING!
Too late! Time for bed! Writing tomorrow
#amwriting
#writerslife
#writingcommunity
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My kids keep fighting over who gets to fool me next and maybe that’s the real prank
Was glad my kids didn’t scream for me to come deal with the bug but also concerned when they named him Jerry before they killed it.
I love when people spend 7 minutes trying to back into a parking space just so they can leave “quicker”
Just because you can eat everything at the “all you can eat buffet”, doesn’t mean you should. I know this now.
Future generations will never have to live in unprecedented times, because we’re precedenting the Hell out of everything right now.
Not interested in your mayonnaise-based holidays
fixed it
Me: Ugh! I never know what to say in these situations…
Friend: You say ‘good morning’ back
I left my accordion in the car and forgot to lock it. By the time I got back, it was too late. There were four accordions in there
ME [Puts up “Have u seen my dog?” posters across town]
HER: Oh no! You’ve lost your dog!
M: No I just think u should see him. He’s awesome
MAN: What are you doing?
ME: [pointing gun at lake] Fishing
MAN: No way will-
SALMON: [walks out of lake with fins up]
A person on this website accused me of writing “a thousand bad jokes” and I was like wow that’s a weird way to say you like 7000 of my jokes
[date]
HER: Silence of the Lambs is my favorite movie.
ME: Oh me too.
HER: Which part do you like best?
ME: *sweating* Um, when the lambs stop talking.
I’ll be the first to admit when I’m wrong, I mean, I’ll be kicking and screaming the whole time, but I’ll do it.
[Bush’s Best Bean HQ]
Security guard: sir do you have business here?
Jack: I uh I’m waiting for someone
SG: *on walkie talkie* I think we may have a bean stalker
I put my hand upon your hip
And then I steal yo queso dip
We value your privacy. We always get top dollar for it.
Maybe the reason you’re not having *sexual intercourse* is because you call it sexual intercourse.
Mickey Mouse’s pants out of context look like something that would try to kill Mario.
i couldn’t do an interview from home i don’t have enough bookshelves to sit in front of
“Trust your gut” ok first of all my gut wants pizza 24 hours a day
Don’t worry, protagonist. I’m sure your ridiculously specific amnesia has nothing to do with the missing member of the royal family who is exactly your age.
saw a garbage truck with the tagline “our business stinks, but it’s picking up!” pretty good imo.
I love my kids but sometimes I wish the school bus would pick them up at 4:30 p.m. on Sunday.
It’s funny when a cartoon character drops a piano on someone’s head but when I do it it’s a “crime”??
Megaman is such a hard game! I’ve beaten Ice Man & Fire man but this guy just shoots me before I can even move. How do I beat Zimmer Man?
Parents: don’t give your child the answers to his homework. He needs to learn on his own that you don’t know what you’re talking about.
me *brings toddler his popsicle* What do you say?
toddler: Finally
commercial: 2 out of 3 people suffer from depression. talk to ur doctor today
me: [hurriedly phones doctor] hey do u suffer from depression