Mission control: what’s happening up there??
Dutch astronaut: Houston, we hebben een serieus probleem
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You got 30 minutes to text me back or I’m breaking into your house & responding to myself.
Just reported my neighbors to Belgian authorities because they have a dog named Waffle.
Good for him😉🤣😉🤣😉🤣
Always get worried when I see a “thieves operate here” sign. Who is letting thieves do surgery?
gotta say, i love living by the sword. i hope there are no consequences from this regarding how i ultimately die
My toddler was about to hit her head on a bar at the playground so I told her to duck and she quacked at me.
And then hit her head.
thought I saw two girls fighting, turned out to be one drunk girl trying to take off a hoodie
Imagine being hungry and some guy tries to teach you to fish
HIPSTER COP: I pulled you over because of the volume
ME: *turns down stereo* Sorry
HC: Not that. What products do you use in your hair?
{First Date}
Me: I once saved a dog from a fire.
Shania Twain: That don’t impress me much.
Me: Oh well one time I successfully inserted the straw into a Capri Sun without spilling.
Shania Twain: ok that’s actually really good.
Cop: Do you understand your rights?
NASCAR driver: My what
Why a man would want a wife is a big mystery to some people.
Why a man would want two wives is a bigamystery.
In 2004 I took one bite of a Nature Valley granola bar in my car, and I’m still finding crumbs today.
Turned off my lights for “earth hour”. I’ve never had so many other cars honking at me.
Stickiest things in the world:
3) Lollipops
2) Glue
1) Children’s library books
This is no longer an app but a mishapp
6yo: What’s for dinner?
Me: Pork medallions.
6: I HATE THOSE!
Me: I’ll give you $1000 if you can tell me what either pork or medallions are.
My fridge constantly looks like I’m stockpiling for a massive cheese shortage.
Her: u have a choice its me or the megaphone
Me: fine
Her: good
Me: [puts megaphone directly to her ear] I THINK WE SHOULD SEE OTHER PEOPLE
INSTRUCTIONS FOR HUSBANDS TOLD TO DO LAUNDRY:
1.Know when to hold em
2.Know when to fold em
3.Know when to walk away
4.Know when to run
Winner of the first annual socially distancing award goes to…
Wrote “no thank you” on my jury duty summons and sent it back so I think I’m in the clear
me: do you take walk-ins
morgue: what
Moses: Yo, I think you typo’d this tablet, “Thou shall not Bill”?
God: Frig sakes.
Moses: Lol. Still want me to read it?
My best friend just sent me a picture she saw on Facebook and I was all like,”is this the new school board?” And she was like, “um, isn’t that your son and the mock trial team?”
Anyway, I’m a REALLY GREAT mom.
The infuriating thing about language is that if you describe this as a “fun little red rubber ball” you’re fine but if you call it a “rubber fun red little ball” you sound like you had a stroke, even though there is no official rule about order of adjectives.
“get a dog” they said
“it’ll be fun” they said
yeah right, you try explaining to the neighbours about the remains of the 17 ex-lovers it just dug up from your back yard
Dan and I had been lovingly gazing at each other in silence for a couple of seconds and at the same moment I eventually said “you’re very handsome” he blurted out “do you think I’d be a good mayor”.
Gonna install a mirror inside my fridge so that every time I open it to look for a snack, it’s always there.
Every classic folk song is just dubstep turned inward