[on phone]
Of course I trust you, babe. Always.
*searches Amazon for mini spycams with 1-day shipping*
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“Eating sugar will only make you feel better for a few minutes!” yeah as opposed to not eating sugar, which will make you feel better for zero minutes
I’ve been practicing Social Distancing my whole life.. Just sayin.
Mobster: Take Jack up the hill and make it look like an accident.
Jill: You got it, boss.
Therapist: Your relationships are unhealthy
Me: I have a healthy relationship with denial
Pharaohs were buried with their arms crossed over their chests because ancient Egyptians believed they took a waterslide into the afterlife.
me: omg did you just steal that from the kitchenware department? you could’ve got caught!
him: what can I say, I’m a whisk taker
gross i hate the word moist! give me a wet cake. give me a wet, damp cupcake
Has anyone ever had a polite awakening?
It’s a sad day when you find out there’s a hot person behind a cartoon avi.
Lady was pissy when I insisted on walking with her to the parking lot, but it was raining and she had an umbrella.
Breakup? I’m sorry no.
You’re not finished being in love with me yet.
I’m at a fancy restaurant so of course I ordered the Patricia melt.
*swipes right on my hand mirror
I like to keep my New Year’s goals simple and attainable so this year I have resolved to neither fly in a hydrogen-filled dirigible nor to become an ordained rabbi. I’m placing my chances of success at just north of 62.5%.
“You lie like a doge!” I tell my wife.
“So deceit!” I add.
“Very fraud!” I mention.
“Much fiction!” I point out.“Wow,” she says.
Server: What kind of sauce do you want for your pasta?
15: The tears of my enemies…
Kids are fun.
Me: NOT TODAY SATAN
Satan: But-
Me: Jesus, what did I just say?!
Jesus: To be fair he did say not today
Was dating this chick whose cat used to poop in her tub all the time. I only did it once and she broke up with me. WTF?
Be careful insulting me. Two and a half weeks later I will come back with a burn that will leave you REELING
Isn’t it time to start naming hurricanes after IKEA furniture.
I always enjoy when pharmaceutical ads play “Walking On Sunshine” while joyfully listing their drug’s 700 horrendous side effects.
Rules for rap battling Eminem:
1. Do not let Eminem go first.
2. Do not let Eminem go second.
WIFE: remember to pick him up at 5
ME: ok
[later]
ME: [dropping 3-year-old son off at daycare] see ya in 2 years, bud
While those 2 guys at the bar were just fantasizing about what they’d do with powerball winnings, I stole their ticket.
Jesus steals the winter solstice
Wife: Let’s spice things up in the bedroom.
Me: Hey baby, I’ll tikka your masala. Heh.
Wife: Absolutely not like that.
5-year-old: How many pull-ups can you do?
Me: 22.
Wife: How many with witnesses?
Me: Almost 1.
Getting married at 22 sounds a lot like leaving a party at 9:30pm.
Me, when there’s an errand that lets me leave the house when everyone is acting crazy: