There’s a serial killer in our house! Normal people: “CALL THE POLICE, LETS GET OUT OF HERE!” – In movies: “Lets go find him” -___-
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Hello. I am Public Restroom. Would you like some toilet paper that melts in the palm of your hand? Here, have some empty soap, my child.
An enterprising divorce lawyer would set up a booth on a Sunday at a cut-your-own Christmas tree farm.
Why is aggravated murder a charge? There’s never like a passive and calm relaxation murder.
McDonald’s has spoiled all of us with their super-charged carbonated soda. I don’t want just any Sprite. I want the Sprite that will make me see God.
Current beard: Outdoor woodsman
Current body: Indoor couchman
I rescued a seagull, taught it karate and named it Steven, so what?
Her: so yeah i’m a palaeontologist, it means i know a lot about dinosaurs basically, do you have a favourite dinosaur?
Me: *visibly sweating* umm…umm…REPTAR.
Her: …
Me: …
Her: …like…like from rugrats?
Me: …he had a wagon
People Magazine sounds like something aliens pretending to be humans would call their magazine.
2019: the floor is lava
2020: literally don’t touch anything
Honest job interview:
“What are your strengths?”
“I put a lot of effort into looking like I know what I’m doing”
When I die i’m donating half my body to science and half my body to a magician
I’m on hold. My call is important to them.
If I don’t duck my head when I drive into the parking garage what’s gonna keep my car from hitting the ceiling?
Sardine Wife: “What’s wrong?”
Sardine Husband: “I just need some space, Linda.”
Sardine Wife: “WHERE EXACTLY SHOULD I GO, KENNETH”
*night falls, the full moon rises*
ME: go, please! i don’t want you to see me…like…this
HIM: omg what’s happening
ME: *asleep by 10 pm*
Just saw an ambulance pull into a cemetery, like dude, you’re too late.
Putting peanut butter on all my fingers before I go to bed so I can have a snack later.
If you have ever spent an hour on Twitter then you understand why there’s such an urgency to create Artificial Intelligence.
We got two inches of snow last night and now I can’t find my Smart Car.
Took a Pfizer Covid vaccine with a Pfizer Viagra.
Now both arms are sore
The second cup of coffee does for me what a can of spinach does for Popeye.
There’s no gangsta way to pull on a push door
I scream “You haven’t seen the last of me!” & follow with maniacal laughter before slowly backing away.
The pharmacist smiles kindly.
Anyone really
Pretty burnt out on the typical lead female in a book who can do anything, and every man wants her. How about a middle aged woman who has had two gin & tonics by 5:30, is wearing sweats, and is glad there’s leftovers so she doesn’t have to cook yes this tweet is oddly specific.
Doctor: I’m afraid you’re dying
Me: And there’s no cure?
Doctor: Yes just cut out pizza and chocolate
Me: I can’t believe there’s no cure
Croatia-France sounds like a 19th century war to decide which cousin the crown prince is forced to marry.
Tried out a new set of long handled surgical forceps.
In lesser news, It turns out that I didn’t need that toenail after all.
MTV stopped having their “Unplugged” specials because the shitty artists we have now can’t play any instruments.