Fellas,
If you kill a spider while you’re at her place, congratulations. You will be having sex.P.S. Bring a spider.
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Trivia: Bugs Bunny was originally named “Insects Rabbit” and his catchphrase was, “What is transpiring, Physician?”
My wife said something about being interested in swinging, so last night I did a 55 minute PowerPoint presentation on all the info I found online.
Her: how about you just fix the kids swing in the backyard like I asked
[having sex]
ME: sex sounds
PARTNER: are you saying “sex sounds”
*posts Social Security number on social media*
*hopes someone steals his identity and pays off his mortgage*
you know being royal isn’t a real job cuz 4 people can just stop working and nothing happens. if 4 people stopped working at the mcdonald’s drive thru that shit would go up in flames
Every spider has the same powers as Spiderman, yet none of them choose to be superheroes. This is everything you need to know about spiders.
Bury me in a werewolf costume so when I come back as a zombie people will be like “lol what”
I found the felon who is responsible for your lost socks. Already convicted of other crimes. It’s the fitted sheet. You’re welcome
I put my baby picture as my what’s app picture and my mum called me to ask who that was ¿
Burned my finger on hot cheese, then immediately burned my mouth with the same hot cheese, if you’re looking for someone with a lizard brain
[first day as a bartender]
Customer: gimme a scotch on the rocks
Me [scrunching towel into glass]: I know lemonade, I can do lemonade
EXCITED INVENTOR: this is the best thimg since sliced bread!!!!!
SLICED BREAD: [anxiously smokig in the corner] i wish i was never invented
I’m just a short girl, sitting in a car, being strangled by my seat belt.
Your honor let the records indicate my client was upsexy
Judge: what’s upsexy?
[lawyer whispers to defendant] quick, this is your chance
I’m going to get some steel wool so I can crochet myself a new car.
Who called them friends with benefits and not bedable arrangements?
I get it fish, my body is also beer battered
*power goes out*
wife: Great, I just bought ice cream
me [already eating it] I’m on it
My fiancee knows that I would kill for her, and it’s really annoying that she hasn’t asked me to yet.
Back in my day we used ter wake up at tha crack o’ dawn to tend to these here tweets
No, I didn’t ask why she had a baby goat at work with her. *shrug* Seems like a personal question.
[spelling bee]
judge: your word is problematic
me: then maybe give me a different word
Friend: How’s the new job?
Me: Can’t complain
Friend: What’s with the beeping collar?
Me: *starting to cry* Can’t complain
STEP 1: Sign up for email newsletter
STEP 2: Receive email newsletter
STEP 3: Delete unread email newsletter for the rest of your life
Son: daddy what happens to our poopy when we flush it?
Me: our poopy collects in what’s called a septic tank where it forms with all our other poopies to become one giant poopy monster waiting on our command to rise and destroy all our enemies.
Wife: okay no.
Just walked in front of my cat’s screen while he was on a zoom call.
Everything at the mini mart is normal-sized and I feel so betrayed.
Kids insults are great. My youngest told my oldest “If your clothes were any tighter, you’d look like a wiener dog”
my advice to anyone at an unpaid internship — steal from them. big stuff too. take the copier. roll it right onto the elevator.
Took my twins to their swim class and the coach showed them how to float on their backs then asked if they had any questions. My boy twin asked if there was any cake and I think it was a fair question