When I get old, I’m going to buy a monster costume to terrorize people for own personal gain, like a Scooby-Doo villain.
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Me: Nothing is set in stone.
Gargoyle: Wow I’m like right here.
*pounds fist twice on chest*
*kisses two fingers*
*throws peace sign & nods head at DJ*I don’t know what I just did, but we should leave.
1) Bake cake.
2) Don’t cut it into pieces.
3) Eat the whole thing.
4) Claim I ate “only one piece of cake.”
[first day as an Orderly]
*gets fired for disorderly conduct*
I’ve never been married, but I tell people I’m divorced so they won’t think something is wrong with me.
You tell me to “walk a mile in your shoes” but the second I break into your house to steal your shoes, you call the cops. Make up your mind.
“Thanks, you’ve been a wonderful host!”
– Viruses
me, to my kid: you have a job- you eat breakfast, you get dressed, brush your hair and teeth and put on shoes
my kid: I hate my job. I wanna quit.
I eat my corn on the cob like an old-school typewriter. This is how the 80’s cartoons taught me to do it as a kid.
I hope I never meet a genie offering one wish as picking between unlimited doughnuts or going to Sesame Street is gonna be impossible
daughter: what if the easter bunny actually is a huge rabbit
me: heh what else could it be
daughter: [leaves]
me: [alone w my thoughts] what else could it be
“It’s not about who’s right or wrong.”
~ The person that is wrong
I just want a man to look at me the way Doc from back to the future looks when something exciting happens.
For fun I like to text all the men in my phone, “she has your eyes, can’t wait for you to meet her” and then I sit back and wait.
who called it trying to conceive and not kidding?
*puts my mental health in rice
When something is boring we shouldn’t call it vanilla. Vanilla is a rich and complex flavor. When something is boring should call it “red velvet.”
People who say, “Make it rain” about anything other than weather are the people who reply to spam emails about sexy singles in their area.
Spent two weeks with my grandmother and now I know why grandpa was a drunk
I’m in a very dark place right now.
Suggestions on getting these motion sensing lights in the public bathroom to come back on…?
[first day as a weatherman]
ANCHOR: sounds like cold weather may be on the way, Brandon, whats this i hear about three inches?
ME: *nervously adjusting tie* i’ve been told it’s an adequate amount Jim
dating apps aren’t working so it’s time to look confused in a local bookstore
me, sober: ugh, i’m never leaving my house again, people are trash.
me, after 3 beers: *on a megaphone* ATTENTION EVERYONE IN MY NEIGHBORHOOD I WOULD LIKE TO PAY YOUR ELECTRICITY BILL THIS MONTH
“What’s your favourite Pixar film?”
“Up, yours?”
“No need to be like that I was only asking”
absolutely disgusting that we as a society are still okay with people making hats out of cowboys
My wife: am I beautiful?
Me [hella smooth]: yeah, you look like a little cat
[looking at wife as firefighters cut me out of baby swing at playground]
It doesn’t say its specifically for babies, Karen
It doesn’t require opening the fridge door three times if you’re really hungry, you’ll find what you want the first time.
My therapist is so lucky. I’m like a Netflix Original that pays her to watch.