I wasn’t always a Reply Guy. I used to talk to the TV.
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Californians forget how to drive when it rains
God: send them snow
CSI: North Pole
Detective: Based on the evidence I’d say it’s the reindeer killer.
Chief: Did you find hoof prints?
Detective: *takes off glasses* No. Slay bells.
[sitting at a table]
Wife: writes number on paper and slides it across.
Me: crosses out and writes new number*thermostat negotiations*
If you would have told me 20 years ago that I’d be posting stupid jokes on the internet, I would have said what’s an internet.
I have 12 days until I have to change my password at work and can’tuse any of the last 15 passwords I have used, long story short, I’m going to need a new job.
You’re not “retaining water” Shannon, you’re retaining the 37 bottles of wine you drank since early March
Life’s too short for 1-ply friends. You need people who can handle your shit.
Look son, every man is nervous the first time. Just take a deep breath, walk up to her, look her in the eye and ask her for directions.
Fun date idea: Put a fake diamond ring in your dessert and act like your date proposed. Men love that.
your body is a ghost factory that takes one lifetime to produce a ghost
I’ll take 2 tacos and one jail marriage…
Ate a moldy blueberry.
Thought of you.
Sometimes I like to freak my husband out by asking where this relationship is going.
Film producer: You’re a terrible scriptwriter.
I disagree. Me:
[at the gym]
Trainer: You want me to spot you, bro?
Waldo: Please don’t do that.
We weren’t going to post a joke about mail, but sometimes you just gotta send it.
-I love you!
-Me too!
-You too what?
-What you said
-What did I say?
-That
-Say it
-What?
-I want u to say it
-Well
-and?
-what?
-Say it
-it
From now on, when you see the word “minimum”, good luck trying to not imagine a tiny British mother.
[first day as Niagara Falls tour guide]
And to the left you can see [frantically flips through your guide] water.
me: this glass is too small
bartender: would you prefer a tumbler
me: yes
acrobat: what can I get you
The cat puked all over the bath mat so I just tossed it into the trash can. Then I put the bath mat in the washer.
Pro tip: when you accidentally shrink your son’s favorite game day sweater, look him in the face, lie, and say he must be making huge gains at the gym.
I know it sounds mean but when I’m mad at my wife and want to lash out, I blow out her scented candles when she’s not looking.
Trains delayed due to:
– Wrong kind of sun
– Ominous cloud
– Slightly damp leaf
– Chilly track
– Suspicious gravel
– Sarcastic swan
REJECTED MARVEL CHARACTERS:
Thorothy
Captain Caillou
Aunt Man
Backfat
Iron Jan
Thanus
….. so anyway, long story short, she said the name of the nail polish was Spank Me Pink and I told her that’s not even close to the right shade and she said prove it and this is why I’m not allowed within 100 feet of a Sephora.
No officer,YOU`RE going the wrong way.
after a certain point in life the “walk of shame” is about a plunger
Every time I get my period, I think well that explains the last few days
I don’t trust rain…
Nature giving away free water like a damn hippie, instead of charging $2.99 a bottle like God intended?
Something doesn’t add up and it feels like communism