Me: My passion for the sea is rather inconsistent, I’m afraid. It comes in waves
Navy recruiter: Get out
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Brain: Compliment her eyes
Me: Yeah?
Brain: Trust me“YOUR EYES ARE BLUE LIKE BLUEBERRIES & THEY’RE PROBABLY SQUISHY TOO.”
Brain: Perfect!
Does the smell of burnt hot dogs and sour bologna turn you on? If so, I work with a guy that I’d like you to meet.
Protip: Never underestimate the number of sticky notes on your desk when trying to appear busy at work.
Teen: Mom, I forgot my key and I won’t be home until midnight. Can you leave the front door unlocked?
– clearly my teen needs to watch more true crime documentaries.
im awake if anyone wants to go on a cute forest hike and feed me to a bear
This lesbian couple nailed their pregnancy announcement
This everything bagel has too much giraffe on it
Me: “Hey towel, you’re looking good. What u doing later?”
Wife: That’s not what I meant by pick up my towel. Just hand it to me, idiot.
Safe travels to all the parents heading out to buy the batteries they didn’t know they needed.
[First date]
Her: I love to travel.
Me: *stands up with basketball* I don’t think this is gonna work.
Just ate a cheap foil-covered Easter egg & it was so disgusting, I ate 9 more to ensure my initial assessment was correct. I concur with me.
Happy Halloween 🎃
God: you’re a Squid.
Squid: actually I’m a Kraken.
God: what’s a Kraken?
Squid: nothing what’s a Kraken with you? lol.
God: wa-was that an ocean pun?
Squid: maybe, did you like it : )
God:
Squid:
God: you krilled it : )
normalize having existential bread
Now I’m no fresh daisy, I’ve been around the block, but what is kissing
*about to die*
Me: AAAAAAHHHH!!
*life flashes before my eyes*
Me: Oh, right.
That tweet was so bad I felt sorry for the alphabet.
I bought a high-tech mop and I’m very excited about it. Not so excited that I’m going to throw up, but it wouldn’t be a problem if I did.
I’ve lost my boyfriend! He’s in one of these browser tabs, somewhere.
I’m offended my cat won’t let me use her as a squishmallow
My husband refused to go to Target with me, so I took the tv remote with me instead.
My son just said “I’m sorry I can’t be cute right now, I’m hungry” and I’ve never understood him better.
Terrifying if taken literally – if these walls could talk.
I love how my period tracker sends me notifications about potential mood swings as if I’m not already sitting there crying into a bag of chocolate chips
Highway to Hell is my favorite wedding song.
Some people exercise on purpose by rowing little boats.
Canoe believe that?
What I say: Sorry baby, they were out of bubblegum flavored medicine…Grape, will have to do.
What my child hears: I don’t love you, never have…Now drink your poison.
in addition to Lady Doritos, Doritos plans to make Alpha Male Doritos, which will be just shards of broken glass
My 6 y/o told me the medicine cabinet was our most important cabinet. Outwardly I agreed but inwardly: “no son, the liquor cabinet is”.