If only we’d had some kind of warning that a pandemic would pandemic.
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In order to save money I installed a sound chip into my wallet. Now when it opens it plays a song by Creed so I quickly have to close it.
I hunt my potatoes the old way. Naked, in the snow, with a bow and arrow.
Register for a new blender on your baby registry. It drowns out the crying and makes margaritas. You’re welcome.
ATTRACTIVE WOMAN: What time is it?
ME: Haha. Yeah definitely
But if I get tinted windows, how will people see me flipping them off?
Why haven’t we tried telling our kids they have to stay 6 feet away from us? Do I have to think of everything?
Money doesn’t grow on trees. Your move, multinational agricultural biotechnology corporations.
Sometimes I look at my dog and get a little jealous, wondering why nobody ever tells me I’m a good girl when I take a sh*t outside
Whoa there, pregnancy test. You just tell us yes or no and we’ll decide if it’s positive or negative.
Let’s take a moment to be thankful that ponytails don’t wag like dog tails when we’re excited.
If you can’t handle me at my fattest, then you sure as hell don’t deserve me if I ever lose weight. Which could happen, you don’t know.
“What do you mean ‘stuffed'”?
I think I accidentally became a nun:
✅ not banging
✅ may have inadvertently taken a vow of poverty
✅ loves long dresses
✅ has a lot of habits
You can confuse and ultimately disappoint a lot of people if your trick or treating costume is “pizza delivery man”
Breaking news:
Today my toddler whipped out the word “narc” so maybe it’s time to revisit the parental controls on our YouTube account
Me: You said pick the kids up
Wife: OUR KIDS
Me: *Watching a pack of feral children destroy everything we own* Yeah, that makes more sense
Walked into my home office to participate as an attorney in a Zoom hearing, and my cat was on the desk staring at the prosecutor on the Zoom screen.
THAT’S WHY YOU JOIN WITHOUT VIDEO, PEOPLE.
I just found panties with pockets and we may be overcorrecting.
be myself? the person who got me into this mess????
Not a cellphone in sight. Just ppl living in the moment.
“holy crap….um guys?!” – the first caterpillar to wake up out of a cocoon
[PetSmart]
*approaches checkout with bird seed*
“that all for you today?”
Yes. How long does it usually take?
“For what?”
For them to grow
applebees is a word that starts off pretty tame but takes a dangerous twist
My cat: Meow
Me: Come here.
My cat: MEOW!
Me: You can’t complain about lack of attention AND not come here. Pick a struggle and stick to it.
I’m too polite to tell you that I dislike you, but if I ever serve you kale…take the hint.
Asked my kid what kind of donut he wanted and his answer was “six.”
One minute you’re young and carefree and the next you’re stuck on a park fence you thought you could still jump over 😬🤭
priest: you may now kiss the pride
me: excuse me?
priest: *motions to the other side of the altar where 7 to 8 lions with lipstick wait*
What idiot called him Frosty the Snowman and not Bill Brrrr?