Forget ‘a jury of my peers’ I want to be judged by a talking horse
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Donating blood gets complicated when it’s not yours. So many questions.
Beer: When are you coming home.
Me: Right away honey.See. Marriage works. Just choose the right wife.
I hide the fact that I can’t swim by eating every 15 minutes.
psychic: [sees guy in crowd w/ a pony tail] Sir did u know a Chad?
“yes”
From karate?
“YES”
Chad wants u to know he’s ok
*guy starts crying*
Kids are hard to predict; and living in 2021 with two young kids who sing along to “Who Let the Dogs Out” was not what I expected.
I stab myself a little bit every day to slowly build up an immunity to being stabbed to death.
i used to steal a bunch of digestion meds as a kid and all the cvs’s around town had a wanted sign calling me klepto bismol
Parental pro tip: Take your kids to the mattress store at the mall and skip the trampoline park.
BOSS: why are you so late?
ME: i definitely wasnt up until 4am watching Hey Arnold ha-ha
BOSS: well i was and i got here on time
Would a rose by any other name still let Jack die?
ME: So you’re into religion. Really??
DATE: Absolutely. I go to church regularly. I especially love the religious hymns.
ME: Ok even I know they’re called priests, Linda.
teacher: “there are no stupid questions”
me: “ya ok but why isnt the plural of moose, meese”
Me: {sobbing my heart out, eyes swollen, nose red) “I can’t see you anymore. I am NOT going to let you hurt me like that again!”
Trainer: “It was a sit-up. You did one sit-up.”
My friend told me that he climbed Mt. Everest and I was like, “yeah, but have you ever tried getting out of a waterbed?”
No I don’t want to watch the video on your phone. My phone doesn’t like me looking at other phones.
This BMI chart says I’m starting to get too short, how do I fix this?
Sorry I told you that you should probably take down your Halloween profile picture when you had already put your normal picture up days ago.
NyQuil:
Because who doesn’t like to dream about your cat turning into your dog and your dog taking you for a walk and picking up your poop.
I (a Nigerian Prince) have been having some thoughts about getting gold into America and wondered if you were in a good space mentally to send me your credit card info
Alcohol is a misunderstood vitamin.
He died doing what he loved; shouting ‘boo!’ behind horses.
You’re so dead to me I sent flowers to your mother
The bad news is there was a lot of turbulence on my flight this morning. The good news is my phone counted it as steps.
#CoronaOutbreak
My 5 year old brother said “when I’m older I won’t have a GF, I’ll live on my own like my big brother”
YEAH CAUSE THAT’S TOTALLY A CHOICE
Day 4. They suspect nothing.
[interview]
What is your biggest weakness?
“Sometimes I’m too succinct”
Can you give an example?
“Yes”
Me: *falls down entire staircase*
(20 full seconds of silence)
Dad: …careful.
Why, yes, that is a banana in my pocket!
*removes banana*
How did you know?
*begins to peel & eat banana*
I’m still glad to see you though.
I feel so bad for my cat, he’s sitting by the door crying out for this cat and her baby (that are on the opposite side) The same cat I caught him with the night he snuck out, but sweetheart you have been neutered for a year+ she is lying, that is not your baby