Me: My therapist says I use sex for validation.
Parking garage attendant: Not here you don’t, pal.
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Health status:
Moved on from WebMD and now watching House for any ideas.
We go together like that part in the song from Grease where nobody gets the words right
16: If you could pick your own pronouns, what would they be?
Me: Well, I can and I choose cheesecake.
16: Cheesecake isn’t a pronoun.
Me: Yes, but everyone loves cheesecake.
16: Exactly, pick something else.
[wipes brow]
“Finally finished YouTube.”
How many rum & cokes are too many after a couple Vicodin?
Asking for this EMT. He seems pretty interested.
Ffs laughed out loud 😂
bully: [grabs journal] what’s this? “tweet ideas”?
me: hey give that back 🙁
[he opens it and the only entry reads “hobo is short for homeless boneless”]
Weirdos gonna weird.
i’m cautious about following people back these days because i follow when they look normal and next week they’re banging horses
[spider walking into first spin class] What’s the deal with the bikes?
“Microsoft Word? I haven’t heard that name in years…”
I’ll bet the guy who invented the snooze button never invented anything else.
Grim Reaper: I’m here for the sole!
Waiter: *whimpering* omg can I… can I say bye to my family?
Grim Reaper: uh, no, the fish special.
[first day of creation]
GOD: *stuck in traffic* oh no I’m not gonna make the light
If you have more than one louse you have lice, just like if you have more than one mouse you have mice… So if you have more than one spouse I guess you’ve got spice.
Medusa: ok so I’ve decided I want bangs
hair stylist: *visibly pales
Relationship status – table for one but drinks for two
I’ve been looking for the lid for this Tupperware container and somehow I’m now three weeks late for work.
She lied to me. Just like the resealable cheese industry.
Good news, you survived the horrific car crash. Sadly we couldn’t find the other guy’s arms but we managed to reattach all four of yours
Freddy Kruger: I’ll get you in your sleep!
Me: Good luck with that.
(4am)
Freddy: *yawning* What the hell? Go to sleep already.
Me: Jokes on you. I’m only up to 4th grade on reliving my most embarrassing moments in life.
Freddy: NOOOOOOOOOO!!!!!
Webb. James Webb.
Ashley Madison website is having problems. But instead of addressing them directly, it’ll just look for a younger hotter website on the side
We all make silly mistakes like when I asked the lady with massive lip injections if she was allergic to bees.
God inventing the fox: How’s about a dog… but sexy?
Friend: *laughing at the crumbs on my sweater* Have you been eating cookies?
Me: Never ask about my art
Hot pies in your area want you to snatch them off the windowsill
[God creating Neil deGrasse Tyson]
Neil deGrasse Tyson: actually that’s not how it happened
Chairs are pretty great.
You can fight a lion, or sit if you want.
One fun thing about kids crying is trying to determine if they broke a crayon or got their arm stuck in a piece of farming equipment.