BARISTA: hey, your drink is on the house today
ME: oh, wow
BARISTA: yup
[awkward pause]
ME: could…could you get it down?
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It’s as hard to defend Liverpool as it is for Liverpool to defend.
People who say “teamwork makes the dream work” are the reason that some people want to punch other people in the face.
*calls psychic hotline*
Psychic: how can I help you?
Me: well this is bullshit.
[In meeting]
Boss: any comments?
Me: I wish I was drunk right now.
I am one who tells herself blueberry muffins are healthy because duh, there are blueberries. Also, guess what I got at Costco today? Yep.
What happens when the in-flight movie stars Adam Sandler.
Me: So anyway, I don’t know why people think LSD is so weird.
Three-legged, bright pink Griffin: I know, right?
Me: I like your top hat.
When I can’t find my car keys, I’m grateful for the most helpful suggestions like “Where did you last leave them?” and “They’ll turn up”.
The mattress in the guest room was perfectly fine until I had to sleep on it once.
me: wow Pokemon names are getting more and more ridiculous, don’t you think so?
taco bell employee: *nods* taco bell employee
I asked the cashier if she could validate my parking. “You park real good,” she said.
HR: Do you want to sign up for 401k?
Me: Are you crazy? I can’t run that far!
INTERVIEWER: If Harry Potter was real, what Hogwarts house would you be in?
ME: What do you mean “if” Harry Potter was real?
Got a new stove today and then ordered a pizza because I don’t want to ruin it by getting it dirty or anything.
[home depot]
ME: do you have marble counters?
CLERK: sure, in the back of aisle 9
ME: oh thank god [carrying 2 huge buckets of marbles] I keep losing count around 1,000
I was going to eat a salad today, but then I remembered I’m not a rabbit.
Bitcoin. Toothurt.
don’t do it sharon, it’s a trap
girlfriend: at my house we call pop soda
me: ok
her dad: *opens door* hello
me: hello sir, or should I say *finger guns* soda
Funny how airport security always “randomly” chooses me for physical checking. Even when I’m not even at the airport and chilling at home.
Some coworkers reheated lunch smells like it’s about to go missing in my stomach.
Bird: *standing in middle of road challenging me*
Me: *swerving and driving off cliff* you have won again bird
Doctor 1: burrowing mites under the skin is pretty gross, but how do we make it sound even grosser?
Doctor 2: let’s call it scabies
Doctor 1: YES!! done
we’re gonna need another temp
a house without a chimney should be called a nouse
*enters username*
“USERNAME NOT RECOGNISED”
*creates new account*
*enters username*
“USERNAME ALREADY IN USE”
*sets fire to self*
TEACHER: can anyone tell me what ostracized means?
ME: *hand up*
TEACHER: again, it’s not a workout video for ostriches.
ME: *hand down*
My 7-year-old told me that he loves me and hopes I never die, and the only thing that could have made this moment more special is if I wasn’t sitting on the toilet.
Gonna start messing with people in public bathrooms and say “oh I recognize those shoes!”