Them: You’re hot.
Me: *eyes narrowed suspiciously* How many crosswalks do you see in here right now?
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DIRECTOR: it’s-a me, Mario!
CHRIS PRATT: it is me, Mario.
DIRECTOR: it’s-a me, Mario!
CHRIS PRATT: it is me, Mario.
DIRECTOR: IT’S-A ME, MARIO!
CHRIS PRATT: IT IS ME, MARIO
DIRECTOR: … better.
Did you know when someone annoys you it takes 42 muscles to frown but only 4 to extend your arm and punch them in the face.
ME: (right before I go under anesthesia)
SURGEON: How much you want to bet this guy is full of candy?
[First date]
HER: I want a man who is intensely passionate when he sees something he wants
ME: PASS THE FREAKING SALT
*Opens freezer*
Yo ice! Whatchu upto?
“Just chillin.”
Haha!
“HAHA!”
Hehe.
“Drunk again huh?”
Yeah.
I can’t believe my terrible boss* is making me work on this sacred national holiday**
*me
**National Cheesecake Day
My girlfriend just sighed and rolled her eyes at the same time. This is exactly what WebMD said I would die from.
Told my daughter that whoever takes the longest nap gets to choose what’s for dinner.
And now we wait.
ceo: our customers are demanding ziploc seals for all of our bagged foods
product engineer: ok do you want me to make them easy to open
ceo: lol no
[bedtime]
me: babe we forgot to lock the door
him: not it
murderer under the bed: not it
me: fine I’ve got it
GUY: I wish girls liked comics.
GIRL: I love comics.
GUY: Oh really? Then what’s the Hulk’s favorite flavor ice cream?
I have a pet termite named Clint.
Clint eats wood…
I’m sorry I’m sorry
Don’t move, I know what I’m doing.
*takes a nap
I know I’m destined to become a Disney princess when my cat brought me an amputated arm one summer morning after a dragon destroyed my town.
Me: I’m not really good with plants. They just need too much time and attention.
Her: Don’t you have a child?
Of the 4 people living in this house, I’m the only one who didn’t immediately try to touch the new cactus houseplant.
17: If I was gay would you still love me?
Me: Of course.
17: If I committed crimes?
Me: Yes.
17: If I voted for Trump-
Me: Dead to me.
cake decorator: do you want an exclamation point after “happy birthday”?
me: no, my son wanted more of a somber motif for his sixth birthday
My doctor said I need to drink more water every day, so I have started putting ice cubes in my vodka.
Father’s Day tip: Your Dad is busy this weekend.
Anyone: Loose lips sink ships
Me *writing down note*: Tighten ship’s lips.
“Shut up or I’ll eat your lunch.” Bad fight script writing or okay parenting? You decide.
I really hate it when I have to go to work because my abundant wealth doesn’t exist.
Bought a cat collar with a bell on it, and now I can’t sneak up on the cat to put it on her.
The Joker furiously scrolling through Batman’s old tweets for anything problematic
If you see a girl crying, a nice thing to do is show your compassionate side and ask if it’s because of her haircut.
Not today. 😅
I haven’t bought my kids gingerbread houses since the year they turned them into crime scenes with chalk outlines.
Me: I would like to go to sleep now
Brain: you can’t
Me: why?
Brain: you haven’t Done Enough
Me: done enough…what?
Brain: Enough
Me: enough what??
Brain: Enough. Just Enough. You have not Done Enough
Me: I’ll do enough if you tell me enough what
Brain: You have not Done Enough
I just took my neighbor’s home security sign and put it in my yard, because the theft on my street is getting out of hand.