Why didn’t they call it Guardians of the Galaxthree
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Friend: “Dude, me & my girlfriend are getting married.”
ME: “Wow! when?”
Friend: “Me on 27th April and she on 14th June.”
My weight loss goal is to not care about the crumbs at the bottom of a Pringles can.
I dated a girl that wore a mood ring. When happy it would be a pretty blue colour. When she was mad it made a big oval mark on my forehead.
I wonder if dogs get embarrassed when they have to stand that way and shit in front of everybody. I know I do.
mafia boss: “i want you to send tony the rat a message”
me: “like what”
mafia boss: “a horses head or sumthin”
me: [sends txt: “hey tony 🐴”]
JOHN MAYER: i wanna run through the halls of my high school
ME: i do not relate
JOHN MAYER: i wanna scream at the top of my lungs
ME: [nodding] ok now we’re talking
I hate it when people who are younger than me complain about being old. They’re all like… well, I forget what they say, but it’s still annoying.
The Macarena was just a tutorial on how to fold a sweater.
Just watched the first half of Goodfellas, and it’s great. Being in the mob looks super fun, can’t wait to watch the second half where I assume the good times continue to roll.
luke: yoda, i wish for…….. your freedom
yoda: i’m not a genie. i’m a person like you. i just look really weird
TEACHER: do you know what estimate means
STUDENT: not exactly
TEACHER: yes you are right
STUDENT: about what
TEACHER: also correct
STUDENT: …i guess
TEACHER: wow you really know your stuff
BOSS: This is hard to say…we need to make cutbacks
ME: What’s so hard? “We need to make cutbacks” See? Piece of cake
BOSS: Getting easier
Yesterday I wanted a pizza. Today I’m eating one.
Fight for your dreams.
the guy who invented predictive text died yesterday
his funfair is next Friday
Whenever I tweet about my 3yo being challenging there’s ALWAYS someone who is like “my 3yo was not challenging at all, they were sweet and smart and perfect and it’s because I took them outside.” And I’m always like ohhhh sorry I keep mine in a box in the basement, can’t relate
Not to get too technical, but chemistry says alcohol IS a solution. So I win.
The Chinese New Year is almost here. I know they’re in another time zone, but 2 months behind seems a little extreme.
If I give out nudes now, it’s extremely unfair to the nudes I didn’t give out before.
I show extra confidence at a job interview by giving a firm handshake before and after every question.
Are rhetorical questions really necessary?
Life’s too short for 1-ply friends. You need people who can handle your shit.
After 30 minutes of looking, my husband finally found the car keys. They were in the last place he would think to look: in the pocket. Of the jacket. He was wearing.
*quits Twitter to spend time with family*
*remembers what family is like*
*quits family for Twitter*
I don’t want to brag about how cultured I am, but I’ve visited the outside of many historical buildings that charge an entrance fee
I hate it when I see an inflatable arm-flailing tube man and then I realize that he was actually flailing his arms at someone behind me.
One of the most effective forms of birth control is assembling furniture together as a couple.
TOASTER OVEN: Do you really need another Hot Pocket?
ME: You shut your mouth
TO: If I shut my mouth will you stop putting Hot Pockets in it
me: i’ll have the steak
waiter: this is a vegan restaurant
me: ok i’ll have the vegan
Eating Tums is just sage-burning for your intestines.