This Roomba was a great investment. It vacuums, saves time, and in a pinch can be used as a babysitter.
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My husband makes coffee for me every morning even when we’re fighting. Consider this evidence if I ever die by poison.
Bad News: One of the side effects of your medication is death.
Good News: Death pretty much cures anything.
Thanks to everyone who said nothing while I walked around with my zipper down all morning.
Breakfast: Banana Bread
Lunch: Orange Creamsicle
Dinner: Carrot Cake
Vegetarianism is hard.
Going to church you guys need anything
I ordered side dishes from Cracker Barrel to take to my mom’s for Thanksgiving and when I asked if they would be hot at pick-up the lady said, “Are you taking to someone’s house? Bc it’s going to say Cracker Barrel on the pan so bring dishes.”
Good God that’s customer service.
ME: eat your veggies so you grow up big and strong
SON: *looks me up and down* you didn’t eat your veggies, did you
ME: *under breath* damn, son
Adulthood is being angry at your spouse for not knowing what to get for dinner when you don’t know what you want, either.
Lavender is my latest aromatherapy love, but it’ll be awhile before anything makes me forget about rubber cement.
Went to a parade.
For an hour, bored people on floats waved.
For an hour, My 2-year-old waved back.
It was the greatest day of her life.
Sucks how every girl I’m interested in is either taken or has good taste in men.
Parenting is no different than a bear attack. Curl up & play dead and they usually leave you alone.
A car hit me once, but it was okay because I’m autoimmune
My personal trainer ran out of treats half way through the sess.
As we debated who would win between Vader and Gandalf, we suddenly realized our dates had left
“It’s only eight o’clock” he says like that’s not late as shit.
Therapist: So what’s the problem?
Wife: He thinks he’s a flamingo.
Me: That’s it! I’m putting my foot down.
*lowers foot that was raised*
Take 1/5th the $ car insurance companies spend on advertising, apply it to health care, and everyone can have golden organs and never die.
First date
Him: What do you do?
Me [pulls out a Victoria’s Secret catalog that I’ve clearly glued photos of my face into]
“I’m a model.”
My wife’s written “iron school uniform” on a note. She’s full of bright ideas, but to me this sounds heavy and impractical.
13 years ago I ordered an m&m blizzard at Dairy Queen and the lady who took my order screamed “ONE SMALL M&M BLIZZARD!!!” at the top of her lungs then immediately turned around and started making it herself and it’s still the funniest thing that has ever happened to me
One a scale of keystone light to jaeger how drunk are you sir?
PANCAKE
ok I need you to step out of the car
One time I ate so much Trader Joe’s tzaziki while I was babysitting that the next day there was a post-it note on it that said “for the kids only” and that’s just one beautiful beautiful moment in my colorful history
For the record when you are “freezing” I never need to feel your ice cold hands, I believe you
Rick Astley: Do you have any Pixar movies I can borrow?
Me: You can have Cars, Toy Story & Ratatouille, but I’m never gonna give you UP.
[first day as a spelling bee judge]
Me: your word is Sarcasm
Him: can you use it in a sentence please?
Me: no, I’m a spelling bee judge but can’t use a word in a sentence
Me: I need to finish the semester strong
Friend: hey
Me: u right, I should skip class tomorrow
No, no, no, you don’t have to engage in a long explanation of why you’re single. We’ve spent five minutes together, I think I’ve got it.
There’s no time capsule quite like the pocket of a coat that’s been in the closet for a year.
We love taking our boys to adventure parks. It’s a great way to spend $800 to listen to them complain about the weather and about how much they hate to stand in line.