If people winked in real life as much as they do on the Internet, the world would be about 542.67% creepier.
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Me: Don’t fall in love with me doll face. I’m no good for you; I’m bad news.
Her: No problem. Here’s your change. Pull up to the next window.
“Whatever we do, let’s make sure it takes forever” – soccer players
Drank enough whiskey to talk the husband into a Titanic reenactment. He’s laying in the snow and I won’t share the picnic table with him.
Husband: *driving*
Me: *breathing judgmentally*
You don’t marry the good parts of a person, you marry the entire person–their faults & failures included. The trick is to look beyond the negative & focus on the parts you love.
If you were my wife and you came home to that note on top of a broken vase would you still be mad?
360-degree action cams finally finding a valid use case
[waking from 10 yr coma] Where am I?
“Don’t worry. You’re home in America”
But…I’m Swedish!
“World Emperor Trump will explain everything”
Mom said I should only date “a good man” and I was like HEAVENS TO BETSY I WISH I HAD KNOWN THIS PERTINENT INFORMATION BEFORE NOW.
1. Stand in sauna
2. Add 30,000 strangers
3. Take 2 steps every 30 seconds
4. Repeat for 12 hoursCongratulations! How was Disneyworld?
Just know that somebody out there is thinking of you, and you should really lock your doors.
Wife: ” What’d you do today?”
Me: “Tell me what you think I did.”
guy at seaworld: “it’s a cross between an eel and a shark, we’re asking everyone to pick a name for him”
wife: “steve”
me: “sharkeel o’neal”
The tooth fairy left an ominous note about coming back for the rest of my teeth.
HUSBAND: Why are you eating food in line when we’re buying takeout?
ME: It’s my warm up sandwich.
sometimes all it takes is a little subtle messaging to improve your pet’s behavior
If it takes 13 muscles to smile and 33 muscles to frown, then how can I tell if this girl is flirting with me and not just being lazy?
Don’t waste your money on lip plumping glosses. Just eat ghost pepper chicken.
I set my alarm clock 15 minutes fast because I enjoy doing math problems first thing in the morning,
Men want to be him. Women want to be with him. Bears want to eat him. Botflies want to lay their eggs in his skin. Fish are unaware of him.
You hate me: I’m the person that gets stuck in the slide at a water park. Everyone smashes into the back of me and we ooze down the slide in a sad people pile. I’m so sorry.
Feeling sad because my hamster died… Well he’s not ‘technically’ dead yet, but I ran out of food so it’s really just a matter of days.
I’m writing a book about a future hurricane. It’s only a draft at the moment
Spring is coming – I bet the trees will be releaved.
[loud knocking]
“OPEN UP. IT’S THE POLICE!”
Me: Prove it.
“HOW?”
Me: Sing “Roxanne.”
How can anyone look at a Roomba in action and think we’re anywhere close to self-driving cars?
You can’t spell fries without friends. I guess what I’m saying is that fries are friends. Delicious friends.
My entire life feels like I’m holding a small, sticky child that isn’t mine.
Ticketmaster: $55 per ticket
Me: ok I’ll take 2
Ticketmaster: ok that will be $400
Politics is so confrontational now. I miss the old days, when we settled our differences with *raises glasses to look at history book* war
Him: [running his fingers through my hair] is… is this part of a cookie?