Peter Pan: just think happy thoughts!
Me: um, ok
[1 hour later]
Peter: *pouring prozac into my hand* look we don’t have all goddamn night
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I wasn’t always a Reply Guy. I used to talk to the TV.
BRB YOU GUYS, I GOTTA DO THIS FACEBOOK QUIZ TO FIND OUT WHAT BREED OF CAT I AM
i wish more people knew the word for woman in scottish, alas.
walking into gamestop smoking a cigar to announce that i own $60 of stock and i demand they add garfield to super smash bros
[First day as villain]
Me: [Emails a co worker and then calls them about it immediately]
RIP Rose, you would’ve loved Let It Go
Me: my boyfriend said that he doesn’t love me anymore
Boyfriend: that’s not what I said! I said that I have to work and I can’t give you attention 24/7
Me: same thing
“Plumber kept hitting things with his head, attempted to climb INTO drain, took my coin collection, killed my pet turtle.
0/10 stars, would not recommend.”
– Super Mario Bros. Online review
Koala bears can sleep up to 20 hours a day, which means they’re only a few hours short of having a perfect day.
Family: So how did you two meet?
Me: Tinder.
Family: What’s Tinder?
Me: It’s a game site.
I really want another child, but the idea of starting over with another pregnancy/infant feels like Katniss heading back into the arena.
Me: It’s so nice to be wearing a shirt that fits and isn’t stained.
Toothpaste: Hi
*looking contemplative*
Wife: What are you thinking about?
Me: You know, if Nessie was sworn into the mob-
Wife: Don’t.
Me:
Wife:
Me: She’d be a Loch Ness Mobster.
Waved back to a person who wasn’t actually waving to ME, so I turned my wave into jumping jacks to avoid looking stupid.
My son came home hella mad today talking about he told his friends i was a virgin and they told him that was impossible
If a satellite dish zaps your friend and turns them into chips and 2 sliders….
Would you eat them?🤣🤣🤣
Romance is:
Making her a sandwich and cutting it in half using your miter saw for the perfect angle.
Wtf, tried giving my political opinions at the checkout line today and nobody clapped.
If I’m being honest, a Seven Nation Army probably could hold me back.
JOKER: Why so serious
ME: Have you seen the news?
JOKER: Ok fair
I love travelling because I love to check if I have my passport every 3-4 minutes 🥰
i really liked this one
“Everything’s fine,” the babysitter said into the phone. “But can I cover up the weird clown statue in your hallway?”
“Get out of the house, I’m calling the police,” the father urgently replied. “You have disrespected my clown statue and I hate you.”
When brands use cool words like “bae” on social media, I drive straight to their nearest location with all my money, ready to buy products.
When you go in the other room I ask your dog what you look like naked.
how to beat an egg:
– literally pick any game you want, they dont even have hands
Daughter:What’s a whore?
Me:Not now.
Daughter I’ll ask my aunt.
Me:You’re getting warm.
Daughter:Mom will know.
Me: You’re on fire!
Damn gurl, are you the snacks in my grandma’s cabinet? Because you taste like you expired 4 years ago
I had bottomless mimosas yesterday and got way too drunk and just found out I got kicked out a bar called mollys because I asked our bartender four times if she was Molly. Not Molly, if you see this, I’m sorry.
Me: Will you marry me?
Her: No
Backing singers: She said no! she said no!
Me: Not now