It is really hard to practice my angry face while eating a donut.
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Okay I’m getting out of bed to go check my lottery tickets. If you don’t hear back, the money changed me.
Those who carry teensy cute purses shouldn’t throw stones at those who wear cargo shorts, because I can carry more stones.
We named our beautiful daughter after my mother.
Passive Aggressive Psycho turns 22 this year!
JESUS: [picks up bread] this is my body
JESUS: [picks up wine] this is my blood
JESUS: [accidentally picks up his cat] this is my…cat
It’s like my cat doesn’t realize my retirement plan involves him doing something interesting enough to be famous on the Internet.
me: I would sell my soles for some chocolate right now
devil: done! wait, what the h-
me: no takebacksies
devil: *holding a pair of sensible flats* damnit
What do you call an upset reindeer?
Caribou-hoo.
*Ba-dum-tsss
The suburbs are powerful. No matter how strong you think you are, by day two you’re eating dinner at 4 and asking what the weather’s looking like tomorrow
I hate feeling like I’m racing against someone in a grocery store aisle. Like aren’t we grownups here? Anyway, I won.
Little Orphan Annie’s song “The Sun Will Come Out Tomorrow” is a little insensitive to the population of Norway.
Occam’s razor: the simplest answer is most often correct
Occam’s toothbrush: show off
One man. One tuba. A whole public library full of unsuspecting people. And no law enforcement anywhere in sight.
Me: …so anyway, the doctor said I might be lactose intolerant
Mom: *hysterical crying*
Dad: you’re a disgrace to the State of Wisconsin. Don’t come home for Thanksgiving. *slams down phone*
HB: *text* hey, what’s for dinner?
Me: Roast Chicken.
HB: cool, you need me to pick up anything on my way home?
Me: yes, a roast chicken.
i don’t want to be the “main character” i actually want to be an extra who is there just to have fun and stand around while you deal with all the conflict
[wife calls]
did you write “make all the traps from home alone” on the calendar
[me at hardware store holding paint cans and feathers] “no”
Maybe she was just being paranoid, but Wendy couldn’t help feeling that she was being monitored.
prisoner: “i broke a guy’s face in 18 places, what you in for?”
[flashback to me stealing a duck from the pond]
me: “9/11”
can’t talk my ride’s here
I’m not flirting with you. I’m just nice. Get over yourself.
Except you. You get under me.
I have this really hot fantasy about having sex in…
… my lifetime.
ME: I was having a juice cleanse between 6 & 8 p.m
COP: You don’t need an alibi, you’re not a suspect
ME: I know, I’m just telling everyone
dating after 40 is like riding a bike uphill through a blazing inferno with flat tires.
How many children do I want to have? Kind of a weird question for a first date, but umm I guess enough to finish the temple
Cow it started Cow it’s going
I could never be a critic of any description because even if I hate a film or book I have the overwhelming urge to try and be nice about it, e.g: “The plot was incomprehensible and the characters loathsome, but I’m sure everyone involved worked very hard so well done. 5/5.”
Moms have an amazing superpower: we can speak at full volume without anyone hearing us.
It would take a pretty stupid robot to replace me.
Got tazed at the zoo again for shouting yasss queen at the peacocks.