Will I ever see the word “antipasta” on a menu and not think on dumb reflex “wow, pasta’s nemesis”
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*chases cat around the house with a lint roller
Me: Can I be frank?
Him: This is 2022, you can be whoever you want to be.
Me: Get out.
I lit candles & put a trail of rose petals all over the house in confusing patterns so my husband can’t find me drinking in the closet.
Always the kidnapper, never the kidnapped
A haunted house, but just with a bunch of mall kiosk guys chasing you with face cream
Becoming a parent changes your whole life.
One change I was not expecting was that whenever I sit down, I release a hormone only my child can detect that causes him to ask me for something.
In the 1930s, there was an outbreak of exploding trousers in New Zealand. Farmers had used a herbicide that became explosive when it dried.
I let my kid stir the pancake batter and now he keeps asking for the whisk-y, going to have a lot of explaining to do at preschool
The main reason I don’t own a gun is because I would shoot people who scare me when they sneeze.
Women in romance books: I know I just met him 3 days ago but I am in love with him.
Me: We’ve been dating for 8 years and I guess I like you.
Me: [Advancing my knight] How much to build a hotel on this square?
Grim Reaper: First, as I explained, that’s not how the horse moves.
under no circumstances will my brother take the L
I drank so much Mt. Dew my taste buds turned into tase bros.
Carpe DM
The hardest part of making new friends is weeding out the people who just want to sell you leggings.
Went grocery shopping on an empty stomach and I only spent $9,000.00
blocked.
Grease is my favourite movie about how smoking gets you a boyfriend.
Mechanic: Your car’s got a flat
Me: It’s called a garage
My son just threatened to not talk to me for the rest of the day.
I’m 3% offended and 97% hoping he follows through.
GUY: how’s it going?
ME [scraping the ‘us’ off my Prius]: well it’s not going great, Ron
God created the orgasm so women can moan even when they’re happy.
Me: I got the vaccine!
MIL: I’m coming for a visit
Me: I don’t want it anymore!
Start calling divorces “incidents”
Level up on that intrigue
How dramatic are you?
Cannot believe that even in this day and age people discriminate against each other for petty things like race and religion. All people are deserving of love and respect if they’re good looking. Period.
[Japan]
HEAD SCIENTIST: Hey, what did you guys do with all the nuclear waste?
*distant Godzilla noises*
If you give him the silent treatment, he wins. Instead, voice every single thought that pops into your head until he kills himself.
Daughter: Daddy, I want to reach out and touch a star
Me: Yeah, well, that would incinerate the both of us instantly so I don’t think so
i love going on a date and realizing halfway through i’m never gonna see this person again in my life so i switch to the kind of honesty that only happens when you’re on a sinking whaling ship or a collapsed mine shaft