never in my 3 days of trading have I ever seen anything like this
You Might Also Like
Husband: “Let me use your phone a minute.”
Me: (Feeds phone to a pelican)
Agreeing to pick a friend up from the airport is nice until that time comes and you start thinking about if you really even need that person in your life anymore.
what if pizza rolls grew into full size pizzas when u put them in water like those dinosaur bath toys
I like eating Nerds because I’m secretly hungry for aquarium gravel and this takes the edge off.
I never know how to eat a banana in front of colleagues. To prevent making anyone uncomfortable, I use a knife and fork.
Before I get busy doing nothing, I am taking a 20 minute break.
Not today.. 😂
My kid told me an “old dead girl” lives in her room and whispers to her at night. I hope they get along cuz I’m never going in there again.
Yankee Doodle went to town riding on a pony; he stuck a feather in his hat, and called it macaroni… That folks, is what drugs do to you.
I just don’t think a partridge in a pear tree would make a great gift
free space program idea: when you bring a spaceship back to earth land it on a huge seesaw and launch another ship off the other side
Dear Starbucks:
The pumpkins called. Even they think it’s too early.
[dating profile]
Body sculpted by Michelangelo.
The turtle. Not the David dude.
Serious enquiries only.
ᴮʳᶦⁿᵍ ʸᵒᵘʳ ᵒʷⁿ ᵖᶦᶻᶻᵃ.
Winter. When trees are bare, and you can see into your neighbor’s yard, and omg, that’s Mrs. Hood’s body he’s putting into their fire pit!
BOSS: you’re fired
ME: is it because I won’t take no for an answer?
BOSS: no
ME: is it because I won’t take no for an answer?
Him: how do you call your loverboy?
Me: C’mere loverboy.
Him: and if he doesn’t answer?
Me: ohhhh loverboy
Him: and if he STILL doesn’t answer?
Me:
Him:
Me: FFS, I walk away cause honestly I don’t have time for games.
if I wasn’t supposed to grow up to want a sugar daddy why did we base an entire holiday around a much older man bringing me presents for being a good girl
My kids fed chips to some seagulls and now we have to go into the witness protection program.
The government isn’t using twitter to spy on you. They are using EVERYTHING to spy on you. Amazon? Spy. That banana? Spy. Your mom? Spy.
Single and childfree like Jesus
Tapping a clown on the shoulder and saying, “Tag, you’re IT,” is a great way to die.
Don’t buy a belt at the zoo, it’s just a snake trying to escape.
We took family pictures with an actual photographer today. No one argued, no one yelled, no one whined, no one cried. Years from now we can look at these photos and say, “this is how we never were.”
Me watching someone get cooked by the timeline for an opinion i agree with
Day 70 without sex my doctor asked me “are you sexually active” I said why whachu tryna do.
I would really love to see how Michaelangelo managed to paint that ceiling with his nunchucks.
Cops are always like “Where were you when the murder took place” and never “How were you when the murder took place”
take me down to the paranoid city where the grass is hidden cameras and the girls are all talking about me.
Hiding the bank statement from your husband is the new hiding your report card from your parents.