This line from Airplane.
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Shopping with my 12 y/o daughter and she said she was done with the Christmas music at the stores already.
“You don’t trick-or-treat a week after Halloween. Time to move on, people.”
*on time travel bus* oh you’re going back to kill hitler? uh yeah totally, me too *pulls jacket over spice girls world tour ’98 t shirt*
With plastic being banned, Starbucks is running out of things to put drinks in. A year from now they’re gonna scream my name and I’ll have to drink my caramel iced latte straight from the barista’s cupped hands while another employee strokes my head like a scared horse
5: Wait, chicken we eat is from DEAD CHICKENS?
Me: Well, yes.
5: So Chicken McNuggets used to be part of REAL CHICKENS?
Me: Well, no.
[ bob ross paints over me with a tree ]
Troll: Horrible thing.
Me: Horrible thing back.
Troll: I was just giving my honest opinion.
Me: Me too.
Troll: But…
Young couple: “She has the most adorable laugh!”
Married couple: “Her laugh is like if a braying donkey swallowed a kazoo.”
“Fake news,” I whisper to myself, as the scale shows I gained another pound.
My wife after pulling weeds… I want a goat
🤣🤣🤣
[at divorce lawyer]
bad news, currently all your husbands assets are frozen
“he didn’t”
he bought 1547 copies of it, he must really hate you
Please, pdf is my father. Call me pdf (1)
Real terror is the moment when you realize you’re about to sneeze with sore abs
Fun Fact: If someone’s car alarm keeps going off, you’re legally obligated to set the car on fire.
The only cat like reflex I possess is turning and staring at the wall when you talk to me.
My boss: If you say “that would make a great band name” one more time I have to fire you.
Me, looking at a box that says “Hand Soap Refill”: It has been a pleasure working with you
Tired this morning me would like to have a word with stayed up too late last night me.
A miracle birth, then resurrection. Accept Frosty the Snowman as your personal savior.
Having a kid means knowing when she asks to watch Mr. Handsome, she means The Little Mermaid.
Everybody: Jurassic Park is a terrible idea and we are all gonna die violently
John Hammond: You have no vision
[Later, everyone is dead]
John Hammond: The important thing to remember is this is nobody’s fault and none of us could have predicted this
Me: Haven’t shaved for two days. Do I look like McDreamy?
Wife: You look like McHomeless.
Them: There’s more to you than meets the eye, isn’t there?
Me: Absolutely not.
“So send me a picture of you…”
*sends*
“Look I need to leave very abruptly and extremely forever.”
My therapist says I’m making progress but that’s only because I lie to her
They should combine weather forecasts with horoscopes. “Tomorrow there’s a 60% chance of rain and a 40% chance you’ll reconnect with an old friend.”
if you’re literally asking me to choose between our relationship and my career as a reporter well then I’ve got some news for you
Nice that I’ll hear “Just a little prick” today because I’m giving blood samples and not from some random person replying to my tweets for once.
I’m equally comfortable holding a guitar as I am holding a baby, I just hold them both by the neck
Lawyer: As My Lord knows,…
Judge: Don’t presume I know it, counsel.
Lawyer: Beg pardon. *clears throat* As My Lord ought to know…
Protip: If your wife says the cord on the vacuum cleaner is too short, it doesn’t mean she’s asking for an extension cord for her birthday.