If your wife makes a comment and you ask “how is that my problem?” It just became your problem.
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My biological clock is wheezing.
[first date]
Me: I collect taxidermy
Him: Really, taxidermy?
Me: It’s a family thing[later, at my place]
Me: Feel free to hang your coat on my stepmom
me: *blows a raspberry*
raspberry: ah yea baby
If the hand soap isn’t for drinking why do they put a straw in the bottle?
Have you ever stopped & thought about how there are hundreds of millions of really nice suits just buried underground?
Dr: Are you sexually active?
Me: *cries*
Dr: Um, are you sexually-
Me: *cries harder*
Dr: …..Ok. Do you drink?
Me: YES I BLOODY DRINK
What…what happens if the crabs learn how to read???
It’s rude to upstage the bride on her wedding day but that’s exactly what’s going to happen when I burst into flames as I enter the church.
waiting for halloween be like:
Bank robber: This is a robbery! Nobody do anything stupid!
My wife slowly turns to face me and mouths: You are gonna die
A great way to grow your account is to run your phone through a paper shredder.
hey (with the intention of telling Jude not to make it bad)
I’m not rich in money, but I’m rich in friends and family.
You know, the bad kind of rich.
My boss calls me chief, so I really don’t know who’s in charge anymore. I hope it’s not me because I haven’t been paying attention.
Accidentally opened the Facebook app and now I’m in three pyramid schemes.
Homeless man: Spare some change for a cup of coffee?
Me: *Bends down to eye level* You don’t look anything like a cup of coffee
One of the things that always makes me laugh about this place is how any time I say “I’m trying to use self-control” people always respond back with “No! Do it! Do iiiiiitttt!” *laughing hard*
Her: Stop telling my friends you’re a faith healer
Me: Did I or did not cure a ham last week, Linda?
(Couples therapy)
-Listen to me, buying matching bagels isn’t going to help
KID911: wats ur emergency
SON: sister is staring at me
KID911: did you tell her to stop
SON: yes! she isnt even blinking
KID911: omg ok take a deep breath
KID911: now scream for mom
shrek the third may have not been as great as the other movies but this transition still gets me
Me, on phone: I’m too scared of sharks to go to the beach
Friend: But sharks kill less people per year than- *thud*
Me: … Than what?
Friend:
Me: Hello?
Voice on other end: Moo.
“Dude go make the first move on her!”
“Okay fine, but I’m not too sure what I’m doing.”
*approaches girl*
“Knight to f3”
I enjoy the outdoors when it stays outdoors.
I jump out of bushes to give surprise breast exams. I save lives.
The police are on the lookout for me. Probably to give me an award.
Nan swears blind she heard a miaowing from next door’s garden. She miaowed back.
The cat miaowed.
She miaowed back.
This continued for minutes.
She walks down the garden to the end.
Looks over the fence.
Still miaowing.
Sees her neighbour miaowing back at her.
Shut up & eat. There are people starving in Abercrombie & Fitch.
My parents told me as a kid that R&B stood for ribbons and bows so when I heard Barry White in their bedroom I left them alone to do crafts.
People who pronounce didn’t as.”dih-in’t” please doh-on’t.
Thanks a lot bathroom doors with the gender written in weird symbols. I just want to pee, not solve a sudoku puzzle.