*Really attractive person waves at me in their car*-*I wave back enthusiastically*-*realizes they were just putting their visor down*
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H: Why do you always wear your hair in a ponytail?
Me: I can’t afford a face lift.
New Neighbor: Hi, I’m Derek; I moved in downstairs.
Me: I’m Spencer; I’ll be looking in your window and judging your decorating choices.
therapist: so what’s the problem?
me: i have crippling self-doubt
therapist: are you sure?
me: …
therapist: …
me: no
“Update Adobe or we’ll kill you”-flash mob
Why do the models on the catwalks always look so angry? I would have been very happy to get paid to just walk around in fancy clothes.
[on the 7th day]
dodo bird: those humans you made, are they uh safe?
god: yeah totally harmless little dude
dodo: *watching adam sharpen a stone* c-can you maybe keep an eye on them?
god: *biting into a kitkat* sure thing buddy
Just a warning if you’re buying a watch on Amazon. I learned the hard way that if it says you can swim with it, this only applies if you can already swim without it.
Life isn’t about the moments that take our breath away. That’s asthma. You’re thinking of asthma.
MURDERER: could a murderer do THIS? *defendant proceeds to not kill anyone*
JUDGE: he’s got a point
i was NOT expecting this 😭 watch till the end
not now, i’m busy doing tax crimes on my abacus
Yes we left some guests inside the park last night. yes we’re going back for them. Calm down
What is the appropriate age to tell your child that you’ve given up on them?
I’ll probably stop watching “The Crown,” now that I know how it ends.
We wouldn’t really have any national debt in this country if strippers would just pay their damn income taxes.
*opens door
*finds flower petals and candles leading to bedroom
*calls cops to report a break in
Ghosts will turn lights on and off, open and close doors, move objects, but never once have they ever turned on a treadmill and I think that’s very telling.
Having a mustache is a great way to stop people from drawing a mustache on you in permanent marker while you sleep.
I think my microwave’s broken. I keep pressing the pizza button and no pizza is coming out
Sorry but why wasn’t Jesus suspicious when he got invited to the “Last Supper”
GF: I think he’s gonna propose to me
Her Friend: How do u know
GF: I found a receipt from Kay jewelers for 7 thousand dollars
[I walk into the room with my hands behind my back]
ME: Hey babe have you ever seen a turtle with a gold shell
Literally nothing gives me more anxiety than when someone asks me what I like to do for fun.
Once I saved 10 kittens from a burning building and yes all the people died but look how cute they are
A toddler waves his stuffed snow leopard and shouts “tiger!” From my purse, I retrieve my big cat field guide to do the job his parents failed to do.
Who called it an organic buffet instead of a natural selection?
Apparently all my new nephew wants to do is eat and sleep…which means he’s already a lot like me.
[first day as a billionaire]
Me: I’ll take 300 egg mcmuffins and a small cup of your finest coke zero
Well, well, well. If it isn’t that same mistake I’ve made several times already.
“It’s hotter than a junkie’s spoon in July”
Excuse me, what kind of Florida metric system are we using now??
Dog; Why do you put my treats so high up?
Me: Because if I didn’t, you’d be able to get them
Dog: Hey, I’m just trying to save you the hassle. Excuse me for caring.