What’s wrong with university websites, a short play:
*opens university homepage*
*types in search box: “calendar”, “academic calendar”, “JUST SHOW ME THE PAGE WITH THE ACADEMIC CALENDAR ON IT”*
*gives up*
*googles name of university + “academic calendar”*
*clicks hit #1*
~fin~
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Most fashion shows these days…
Hey Walmart, don’t be pissed at me for not scanning everything
you literally gave me zero training before promoting me to cashier.
I’d grill your cheese.
~me, flirting
If your entire outfit can be purchased at a gas station it’s not appropriate for court.
A random lady complimented me on my dress and said how lovely it looked on me
So I did what any reasonable person would do
Walked into a lamp post and fell over
Consistent as a McDonald’s ice cream machine
I’ve been a YouTube creator for almost an hour, yet somehow I haven’t been monetized yet?
This wombat looked more fun in the catalogue.
Co-worker: Do you have any invisible tape?
Me: You’ll have to feel around in the supply cabinet.
I’m spending my adult life behind bars, or as my spouse likes to call it, married
A lady on NextDoor just asked for a pet psychic that could really blow her mind and honestly, stay gold NextDoor.
The me that wants to lose five pounds and the me that keeps eating cookies need to have a talk.
Is that a burrito in your pocket or are you happy to see me?
I’m cool if it’s a burrito.
anyone who thinks chickens come out of eggs is an idiot. have you ever seen a chicken? it’s like 500 times the size of an egg. jesus christ
Me: 4, watch this! *eats hard boiled egg in one bite*
4, unamused: Now do it with the shell on.
[reading of my will]
To my nephew, William, I bequeath the satisfaction equivalent of unjamming and popping out a compact disc tray; I also leave him the alacrity to accept what a shit inheritance this is, and then $100k just to spite the other nephews who never sucked up to me.
I’m just a girl…standing in front of a boy…asking him to love her.
Haha, just kidding. I’m just a girl…sitting in my car…talking to a boy through a speaker…trying to order a Shamrock Shake.
But a little drama never hurts.
Him: Why are you going in circles???
Me: I’m buffering!!!
Just your annual reminder about this seagull that turned orange after it fell into a container of chicken tikka masala while trying to get a piece of meat from a factory bin. #SpiceGull
French fries are like the lifeboats on the Titanic. They never give you enough.
Me: got my food and now I’ll just grab a napkin.
Napkin Dispenser: ok, 38 napkins to you my dude.
Me: no just-just one.
Napkin Dispenser: right, no napkins for you bro.
Me: uh what?
Napkin Dispenser: a bunch of napkins in smallish pieces for my homie.
*lies down on waxing table
Aesthetician(on phone): Cancel all my appts, check the moon phase and bring me a gun loaded with silver bullets.
Me: I’m not getting older. I’m getting bitter.
Autocorrect: Did you mean “better”?
Me: No.
Oh to be a whale and just have my food periodically float into my mouth
The secret to my impressive dance moves? Spider webs.
A pizza bagel is two foods that were just fine on their own but got sat on in a lunch bag.
My kids just watched this video where two You Tubers stopped playing piano to fight each other with knives.
Me: Wow, you two really like comedy
Son: Who doesn’t like comedy?
Daughter: Who doesn’t like knives?
Who exactly is this sign for?
Do they think we’re bringing our own geese?
My next tattoo will be “helvetica” written in Arial. When a woman corrects me on it, I will marry her
When a child whines and cries, you give it back to the mama, so…
*hands husband back to my mother-in-law*