me: where did you put my gravy boat?
son: on the table, next to the lettuce
me: the lettuce, the ICEBURG lettuce?
son: dad, stop with the titanic jokes
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I think if someone said they could read my mind, I’d be like “I am truly sorry!”
No, I didn’t get the flu shot. I just make sure to avoid people from October into April.
Weird how first we have to pretend to be asleep in order to fall asleep.
“Ramen”. – Scooby Doo, finishing a prayer
They say 15 minutes of exercise every day will add 3 years to your life. The problem is that it adds the 3 years to your 80s not your 30s.
*wakes up before alarm goes off*
please be 5am please be 5am
*checks time*
2:34pm, februrary 25, 2054. NOOOOOOOOO
Mom: I HEARD UR SICK
Me: just a cold
Mom: U HAVE THE ZIKA
M: no I-
Mom: OH GOD IT’S ZIKA
M: mom-
Mom: I TRIED TO RAISE U RIGHT
M: wait, what
A tired woman is a mean woman.
Don’t wake her up from a sound sleep because you can’t find the ketchup.
one time I was in the hospital elevator with a resident and then the elevator got stuck and I was like “omg we are going to die” and she was like “omg YES I needed this today” and sat down and started eating a granola bar
My ex boyfriend listens to Christmas music year round and that’s not even the worst thing about him.
How do I delicately tell my toddler that her birthday is actually 254 days away and not tomorrow like she says it is? With a cake? Maybe some balloons?? A few new toys wrapped in wrapping paper???
Stop listening to amateur meteorologists on social media! Get your weather predictions from chonky dirt rodents this week like the good Lord intended.
He loves me…
He loves me not…
He loves me…
He loves me not…
He loves me…
He loves me not…
He loves me…
He loves me not…Florist- “Umm. You’re gonna have to pay for those.”
Grew up in a neighborhood so tough, all the kids put onions in their ‘no tears’ shampoo.
If life’s a video game I’m controlled by grandma
thanks, but I’M TOO FAR AWAY FOR YOU TO BE HOLDING THE DOOR OPEN FOR ME WHY ARE YOU DOING THIS STOP IT
Oh man almost forgot the trash
*takes trash out, a nice little sushi place*
This is great
*sees wife there with the recycling*
WHAT THE HELL
Wife: Why don’t you buy me flowers?
Me: I didn’t realise you sold them. Also why are you talking like a pirate?
The computer keyboard was invented before the mouse. It was a precursor.
[funeral]
ME: [giving eulogy] we lost a man, but we gained a corpse
Aging is the worst. I miss the good ol’ days when my pain was strictly emotional.
I miss this era type of pranks😭
Overheard a couple in this restaurant fighting, so I fake proposed to my wife to add a lil fuel to that fire.
I didn’t like you in high school, I don’t like you now. #WhyIDontUseFacebook
It’s cute how I ordered 2 drinks and the bartender asked if I wanted to wait for the other person to be seated
Maybe i’m not naked, maybe my pants are just invisible?
I always try to put some condom wrappers in my garbage so the raccoons that go through my trash think I’m cool.
I’ve never “hopped on a call.” I’ve trudged begrudgingly towards my webcam like a prisoner walking the plank
finally caved and watched tiger king. shit is bananas. the uncle killed the dad while the kid watched, then the kid ran away and hung out with a warthog and a meerkat for years? then he hallucinated his dad talking to him from the sky? weird
Being a parent is having a nightmare about your child on the loose with magic markers