Me: baby, with you every friday is good friday
Wife: aw that’s sweet
Jesus: wow
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Person: *yelling at me*
Me: *calmly* Good idea. Saying the same words really loud helps me understand them better
Person: *abruptly shutting up*
Drive me up the wall, so I know you’re 4 wheel
The neighbor woke me up with his lawn mower. I’m going to sit outside and play my recorder all day.
My daughter asked me what it’s like to be a parent, so I woke her up from a nap just to say, “hi.”
Sucking someone’s finger is supposed to be seductive, but my dentist just seemed pretty upset.
[parent-teacher conference] *tries to quietly open a can of beer*
Finally!
It’s not officially bedtime until you drop your phone on your face.
People who clap when the plane lands don’t aim particularly high do they?
Juliet: *Sees Romeo’s lifeless body* Eh, it was like 4 days.
Shakespeare: *From overhead* No, you’re distraught! You also want to kill yourself.
J: But, I’m only 13!
S: C’mon you agreed to this. You’re the lead!
J: Fine! *plunges dagger into heart*
– Shakespeare Pressure
i feel like so much miscommunication could be avoided if we all just stopped talking
please tell me this song is literally about cheesecake and nothing else
Tapping your wrist is the international sign for “I’m running late”.
Millennial: blank stare
I keep a notepad next to my bed so if I wake up with a great idea, I can write it down. Last night, I scribbled “fruit roll-ups,” and I’m not sure what it means, but I think I’m on to something brilliant.
I tell my child, “10 minutes till bed!”
She hears me say, “Go put on a Halloween costume.”
Why?
Putting tape over my webcam so the hackers can’t watch me take unreasonably large bites of food.
Me: Why is your sister listed as your emergency contact?
Husband: Because you won’t answer your phone.
Me: Yes I would! Maybe. Probably. Well, eventually.
If you go to an animal shelter and ask for a cat, they get really upset if you play them like a guitar and scream ROCK YOU LIKE A FURRICANE.
I love using phrases like “knowing is half the battle” so my kids think I’m wise beyond my years, because they have no idea I took it from a cartoon.
breaking: earthling wins 70th consecutive miss universe title
Plumber: I think I found the problem
[Bath & Body Works]
Me: I need a bottle of body lotion for my wife.
Clerk: These are Buy 3 Get 1 Free.
Me: I just need this one here.
Clerk: That’s not Buy 3 Get 1 but it IS Buy 1 Get 2 and if you buy this it’s Buy 2 Get 3 Free.
Me [leaving with 300 bottles]: how did this happen
doctor: are u drinking enough fluids
me: i’ve never drunk anything else
[Kitchen]
Me: I’m a were-state. When the moon is full I turn into a US state.
Wife: No you don’t the moon is full now.
Me: *Illinois noises*
Friend: Wanna go out with me for a beer?
Me: I’ll go out with you *finger guns* for free
If I don’t see someone on social media for a while I automatically assume the worst… that they’re happy.
*T-Rex stubs his toe*
OUCH I’M SO MAD. JUST… MAD. I’M…“Angry? Agitated? Irritated? Anno-”
SHUT UP THESAURUS NO ONE ASKED YOU.
Shout out to sidewalks.
Thanks for keeping me off the streets.
Apparently, “in California” wasn’t the right answer to my boss asking where I see myself in five years
HOW TO TRICK A MAN INTO MARRIAGE
her: hey babe they’re serving all you can eat beans at this church
him: see you there
[at the church]
her: I just found out the beans are only for married couples
him: ahh fine