date: tell me about yourself
me: I want to kill the moon
date: I have a bit of a dark side too
me: [narrows eyes]
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getting really tired of taking a girl out for drinks, then dropping by her house on the following day and being told by her mum “you must have the wrong house” [motioning to a black-and-white photograph of my date from the night before] “Sarah died thirteen years ago last night.”
The last couple years haven’t been ALL bad. Just look at the repertoire of potato-based coping strategies you’ve developed
I think they need to come up with an explanation for these massive bat ear things other than Batman likes to pretend he’s a bat. Like there should be a scene where he explains it’s for wifi so he doesn’t use all his monthly data.
[Me as a Realtor]
BUYERS: this is a great house, what’s the catch?
ME: Well, it is a bit.. [cant think of the word haunted] ghost encrusted
Cool puppy. What’s his name?
“Patches”
Aww, that’s a cute name. Because he has those spots?
“Nah…it’s cause he’s trying to quit smoking”
I say “Have a good one” instead of “Have a nice day” because I’m so mysterious. One what? You just don’t know!
Ate my wife’s chocolates & said they were coffee flavored because she doesn’t like those but guess what guys they weren’t coffee flavored.
I forgot my cell phone at home and had to write my grocery list on paper. I shopped with it in my hand like some kind of a carrier pigeon.
i love when dog owners are like “our dog is very food-motivated!” like yeah. it’s a dog
Now that I’m in my 30s, I have to worry about both my kids and my parents saying something embarrassing in public.
I’ve finally stopped drinking for good.
And I’ve started drinking for evil.
I once asked for their policy on afternoon naps at a job interview.
…turns out they don’t like that.
My kids said I don’t scare them so I just threatened to replace their phones with a set of encyclopedias and now everyone is crying.
I started a funeral business with self-driving hearses, but they keep crashing into other cars.
Business is booming.
Your mum doesn’t think it’s safe for you to have a treehouse, but I’m gonna go out on a limb and build you one.
Who’d win if Batman fought Santa? Before u say Batman, just remember who’s watching you answer.
When you’re being watched by a group of people and you’re like… is this how I normally walk? this feels weird, wtf are you doing, legs?
Brain: You need sleep.
Brain: You need sleep.
Brain: You need sleep.
Brain: You need sleep.
Me: *lies down to sleep*
Brain: Remember that really embarrassing thing you did in 3rd grade.
I’ve found that Tupperware is a lot cheaper if you buy the ones that come filled with ice cream.
It looks like someone put their IKEA Güsen together wrong.
If you blast Foreigner’s “I Want To Know What Love Is”, the naked old guys in the gym locker room cover up pretty damn quick.
Her: What are you reading?
Me: “Sex and the Single Guy.”
Her: What’s that about?
Me: (Pause) Church architecture.
“Why don’t you want to have kids?”
*motions hysterically in every direction*
Uglier.
Angel: But, sir…
I SAID UGLIER!
– God inventing cycling outfits.
A few years ago I started texting joke ideas to myself and after a few months I found out I’d typed my own number wrong when I got a text back that “please stop doing this”
One thing I don’t miss about dining out at restaurants, is the immense pressure I feel when a server pours a little wine in a glass and waits for me to sniff, swirl and sip like I have any idea what the hell I’m actually doing.
“Have you tried… not thinking about skeletons?” my therapist asks.
I look at her.
I look at the skeleton inside her trying to trick me.
Friend: Let’s get together! What’s your calendar look like next week?
Me: Same picture of a dog on it till next month
God..how many exercise videos do you have to buy before you get some results