If you keep your curtains open at night, please know I WILL slow down as I drive by to critique your decorating and see what you’re watching.
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I wanted to make my apartment feel more like a hotel, so I charged myself $40 for a cheese plate and watched the second half of Gladiator
To the woman I overheard telling her friend that she “literally died”, I have so many questions.
My rose versus your carnation.
FLORAL COMBAT!
Me: So it’s kittens… driving sports cars!!
Studio Head: I need security up here NOW.
Me: PLEASE DON’T REJECT “THE FAST AND THE FURRIEST”
Me on a dinner date: be cool, be cool, be cool…..
*dips cookie in barbecue sauce
I have the same toxic argument every Thanksgiving where I insist that Sopranos is the American Evangelion and my late 60s/early 70s uncle keep reiterating they haven’t watched any animes and don’t really have strong opinions on TV :/
Your baby’s got pink eye, bronchitis AND a double ear infection?
Are you even trying to keep him alive?
How do you know when your pen has run out of invisible ink?
[dragging a corpse to the shed]
NEIGHBOR: putting away the halloween decorations?
ME: decorations?
Serial killers are updating their check list now for dumping bodies:
1) will this location be discovered by Pokémon players?
2) do I care?
If you’re tired of “food” and want to try something a bit more sophisticated, may I recommend “cuisine”?
Hey Doorknob, if I wanted something in my life that was hairy, condescending and using me for food, I would get a cat.
Friend: u around this weekend
Me: yep
F: to help me move
M: uh one sec *fake hold music* hey yeah, that was my doctor, bad news, I have died
Sometimes I feel like people on Facebook share things as a way of saying “Here’s this horrible story I saw today. I hope it makes you feel like shit also.”
Kids: Thanksgiving is boring.
Me: Maybe grandma will trip over the dog again.
Kids: YAY!
Put a mirror on the ceiling.
She said.
It will be sexy.
She said.
Terrify yourself every morning.
I found out.
Nothing says you don’t trust your family like pre-payment of your funeral
DATE: Tell me about yourself
ME: I own 7 pens!
D: I meant, like, something personal
M:*Sadly* I lie about how many pens I own to impress ppl
I just found that there’s such a thing as a cheese shop and now I’m changing my vacation plans.
If I chase you, it’s definitely with a flamethrower.
48 degrees & pouring rain. My neighbor is out running because “it releases endorphins”. I’m eating M&Ms and tweeting on my couch because it releases indoorphins.
Abraham Lincoln is trending. Congrats to his social media team.
bank robber: show me the vault!
clerk (an amateur gymnast): oh hell yeah
Mom is now sending me pictures of her lasagna and the recipe she apparently found in a sunken pirate ship.
My 4YO said, “did you know some 10 year olds still have moms that are alive?” and I don’t know if this is just a random observation or a veiled threat.
My brother in law is devastated that he didn’t get into the next London marathon.
I’ve never related to anyone less.
WIFE: This is dumb.
DAUGHTER: This is so stupid.
ME: This is getting out of hand!
THIS: [leaping out of my palm] I HATE YOU GUYS I’M LEAVING
[text message]
Coworker: Can I call you quick?
Me: No, that’s what my wife calls me