Governments easing mask restrictions but bad breath still out there knocking people dead
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FBI AGENT: [lifting crime scene tape and walking in] dale howard, fbi
ME: [following him] bob vulfov, looking for a bathroom
me: the good news is I got the job. the bad news is I have to wear a suit
her: that’s not so bad
[next day]
me: *putting on a hotdog outfit* wish me luckher: I see
why are they called stepfathers and not faux pas
Got to check out Godzilla Vs. Kong early and if you’re a fan of buildings I’ve got some bad news for you.
look for my book on Amazon: What To Do When Your Teen May Be Abusing ADHD Meds But Goddammit His Chores Are Actually Done For Once
I’ve been laughing for an hour straight
When cannibals fall for one another, that’s chew love
Me: C’mon.
Dog: No.
Me: Let’s go.
Dog: No.
Me: Please?
Dog: YOU TRYING TO KILL ME?!?
Me: It’s just rain.
Dog: I already pooped in your shoe.
I go to the bank wearing a Ski mask because I want everyone to know how athletic I am.
Me: I can read on the toilet until my feet fall asleep
Job interviewer: …and a weakness?
Of course I get paid to be a mom. I do all the laundry and sometimes I find a dollar in a pocket and that’s mine now
3YO: She’s eating my sandwich!
Me: Why are you eating her sandwich??
7YO: Because I thought she wasn’t looking!
I’m going to be the most petty poltergeist ever. I’ll do things like unplug your phone charging overnight
Oh my God. Where are you?
Car keys: LMAO
I don’t use Tinder, I meet girls the old school way: never
Me: I’d like to have this deer mounted.
Taxidermist: But it’s still alive.
Me: I’ll give you two some privacy.
“Dad why’d u name me this?”
I named u after the greatest athlete to ever live
“Oh ok”
Now let’s go, Air Bud, we’re gonna be late for church
A man rejecting my advances can’t hurt me. I have a dog who leaves the bed every time I climb in.
I wonder if Groot met his girlfriend on Timber
“BRING ME THE FOETUS’ OF 3 CHICKENS”
*Maniacal stare*
“Listen dude, its called an omelette,a 3 egg omelette”
“AND THE BLOOD OF 4 ORANGES”
WIFE: What the…?
ME: I’m teaching him to play piano.
W: You idiot!
M *covering chicken’s ears*: Not in front of Johann Sebastian Bock-Bock
Friend from out of town asked if he could crash on my couch. Had to explain to him that I’m married now, so that’s where I sleep.
I’ve got these gifted children and I want to know how long it is before I can re-gift them.
My husband just got to level three on netflix: “faking an illness” to finish binge watching
I’m on level 6: “faking your own abduction”
real
[my funeral]
sister: did you know about this?
mom: [watching my pallbearers dressed like the ninja turtles carry my casket] it’s what he wanted
[describing criminal to sketch artist]
Me: his voice was much deeper than that. He had the chin of a man who had recently lost his watch
“DOES ANYONE KNOW CPR?”
I step forward boldly.
“I know OF it.”
If you want someone to sing 2 seconds before or after they’re supposed to then I’m your girl