Smile they said.
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When 8 wakes up in the middle of the night and comes looking for me, he’ll curl up next to me and sweetly say “mom, I found you!”. It’s difficult to be upset with him for waking me up.
Difficult, not impossible
HIM: We need to decide who to eat first as we’re stuck on this desert island
ME: Actually it’s a “deserted” island
H: Ok so that was easy
ME: I’m single and ready to Pringle.
CASHIER: I have never seen somebody buy that many tubes.
I just read a list of “100 Things To Do Before You Die”…
I couldn’t believe “Yell for help” wasn’t one of them.
Hi, I need to schedule a doctor’s appointment. Why? I’m down a few pounds and need it documented in my permanent record. I AM THINNER and won’t be ignored.
I’ve worked at my job for 7 years & my boss still hasn’t noticed that I only give Magic 8-Ball responses to all of his questions.
You catch more bees with honey, but I don’t want any bees. Seriously, if I could have all the bees, I’d want exactly zero bees.
[doctor hands wife urn]
Ma’am, I’m afraid your husband didn’t make it.
“Nooo!” she cries.
Oh, he’s fine. But he didn’t make this lovely urn.
Maybe my grandma stayed married for 50 yrs because she never said stuff like “I just wish he would support me, you know, creatively.”
Stop saying ‘happy anniversary to my partner in crime.’
You do not commit crimes. You shop at Costco
God: You’re going to Earth to live as a human
Jesus: Can I drink?
God: Yes
Jesus: Can I get married and have kids?
God: No
Jesus: Can I have a man cave?
God: Eventually *winks at angel*
if you dating baby shark you single to me. what he gonna doo doo doo doo doo doo
[Kanye at pharmacy]
*knocking basket full of baby powder out of unsuspecting shopper’s hands*
No one man should have all that powder!
The amount of things I charge in the evening is why I’ll be the first to go in next apocalypse
When a coworker tells everyone he proposed, I’m the guy that asks, “So, what did she say?”
I’m funny that way.
I’m fine with you not liking my tweets, as I’m adult enough to deal with it. Also, your moms a whore.
Obama sure is waiting until the last minute to take everyone’s guns.
People are ruining the word Daddy, my kids are going to have to call me ‘homie’ or some shit.
[Dinner at Arby’s]
Me: Remember our first date here? Feels like yesterday
Her: It was lunch today. Please take me home
Me: Ahh memories
Went on a family vacation and 80% of the pics are my 11yo looking like her dog just died
The last time I danced like nobody was watching, someone stabbed me with an EpiPen.
Son: Thanks for the dating advice
Her: HE gave you dating advice?
Me: Hey! I know a thing or two about women
Her: Name one
Me:
Her:
Me:
Her: Well?
Me: Give me a minute
If there isn’t a fireworks company whose slogan is “our business is booming,” that seems like a real missed opportunity.
Everyone at Thanksgiving table:
Me: Wait I thought you said bring a side piece
My coworkers sending dirty messages to other coworkers when I leave my computer unlocked is why I have trust issues.
… and dates.
Review of Black Holes: Zero Stars
Still super weird to me that humans can make other smaller humans. I wish mozzarella sticks could make other smaller mozzarella sticks.
HER: Put down the bottle babe you have an alcohol problem.
ME: *spritzing doorknobs* I can stop any time I want.
Yes, people avoid me, but I’m sure it’s because they’re jealous of my wonderful snakes
Wrestling is obviously fake.
Why would two people fight
over a belt when neither of
them are wearing pants?