The trend of people going back to film cameras is a great reminder that new technology isn’t the best for everything, and also that not everyone is good at photography.
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Adulthood is like the vet, and we’re all the dogs that are excited for the car ride until we realize where we’re going.
4yo: When you’re 9, you can drive
Me: Pretty sure you have to be older
4yo: Some people can drive at 9
Me: A little older
4yo: Ya, it’s 9
*puts salt and pepper in shopping cart, pushes real good
Roses are red
Violets are blue
I need another cup of coffee
And a donut, too.
Interviewer: your resume says you’re an excellent waiter
Me:
Interviewer:
Me:
Interviewer:
Me:
Interviewer: holy shit you’re hired
HOW DO I CONVINCE EVERYONE THAT I’M NOT UPSET SOMEONE STOLE MY CAPS LOCK KEY?
“Don’t make eye contact, honey. We don’t want any trouble with them.”
When I’m worried about something, I find that going on a walk is a great way to get outside, breathe, and think of new things to worry about
(trying to climb out of bean bag chair) you’re breaking up with me?
I’m taking part in a scavenger hunt. I have already killed twelve scavengers
[Hospital]
Doctor:”…and so the baby is fine.”
Me:”And my wife?”
Doc:”I’m afraid she’s critical”
Me:”I know! But how is she?”
[Inventor of the plow]
I’m gonna stab that field
Hand 2 toddlers a poisoned cookie and tell them not to eat it, then leave for a day. Some would call that stupid. The Bible calls it Genesis
I washed my antibiotic pills down with a probiotic shake and now I’m back to square one.
I didn’t think I was high until I realized I was watching bowling
It’s amazing how many people can hit pine trees and drive with them still hanging on their car roofs. Like nothing happened.
Opening a package of cheese within 2 miles of my dog is the plot to A Quiet Place 2
Thought I was turning into my dad, but it was just his driveway.
Joseph: could you put the shopping away, there’s a fish & some bread on- oh no
*house is overflowing with fish & bread*
Jesus: i am so sorry
GF: So we just wanted to say we’re engaged!
HER DAD [looks at me] you should have asked me first
ME: You’re not really my type though
I wish I could literally LMAO..That sounds like a lot more fun than 90 minutes at the gym.
Toy Story is totally unrealistic! I’ve never once won a prize at that stupid claw game.
Just once I’d like to walk down the aisle, take my vows, say I do…
Without being dragged out being told, “Ma’am, you’re not the bride…”
“Let the jerk-off begin!”
As the other contestants begin seasoning their meats I look at my bottle of lotion and realize I’ve misunderstood
Good morning to everyone except the parent in my 6yo’s class who paid out ten dollars as the tooth fairy.
When did the tooth fairy stop leaving four shiny quarters per tooth? In the same glass the tooth was in? I’m not busting into my kid’s college fund to hire an event coordinator and pay an imaginary glitter witch to be invisible for five minutes.
[neighborhood meeting]
Me: This is an outrage!
Neighbor: Exactly! The city’s plan to–
Me: Nothing but powdered creamer for the coffee? I’m out of here.
Just tested the structural integrity of a door frame with my face. It’s pretty solid.
The bouncer was kicking me out & I put up my finger for him 2 wait,while I chugged the rest of my drink.All he could say was:
Are U serious?
94% of tea drinking is just waiting for it to cool down
My crush suddenly stopped texting me today. Either she is in the gravest of danger or she spontaneously decided she hates my guts. Those are literally the only two things that could have happened.