For cardio, I attempt to swallow vitamins, while holding a cup of piping hot coffee.
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I’m only dating bad texters from here on out.
Who knew life could be so quiet and….peaceful.
Running away doesn’t help you with your problems. Unless you’re fat.
Me: I’m on the carnival diet.
Person: You mean the carnivore diet?
Me: No, the carnival diet. I eat hot dogs, funnel cake, and cotton candy.
I’m uncomfortable around tall people. what if they pick me up and put me on their shoulders
When you hire me, I should be able to make HR click an “I agree to the terms and conditions” button like installing software updates. A month later, they ask why I didn’t show up to work on Monday and I laugh and say “Looks like somebody didn’t read page 147.”
One man has two TCs, an ex with a troll account & a girlfriend who knows his passcode. How long does this man have to live?
Show your work.
Where’s the hole?
*feels for it*
*tries to stick it in*
*misses*
Damn it! Wrong hole.
*fingers it*
*slides it in*– Me, plugging in my charger in the dark.
petitioning to change the phrase “gas mileage” to “dinosaur cremation efficiency”
Table for six please?
“Is your party coming soon or?”
[Takes 4 turtles and a rat out from coat] I’m going to need booster seats
My daughter is interviewing with an ice cream shop. I told her that when they ask if she has any questions, she should say “Yeah, can you give me the SCOOP on what it’s like to work here?”
Sending an insult with a typo is like laughing at someone for tripping and falling and then tripping and falling right front of them.
When someone under 130 lbs calls themselves fat we should legally be allowed to eat them
The Twelve Days According to Mom
12 stacks of laundry
11 dirty diapers
10 toddler tantrums
9 teenage eye rolls
8 unwashed bottles
7 errands to run
6 kids fighting
5 min sex life
4 mins to shower
3 broken nails
2 giant eye bags
1 tired mom
When I pack too much for a short trip.
*sees burglar
*throws flashlight at him
*misses
*throws another
*misses
*throws another
*misses
*throws another
Burglar: WTF
Me: COSTCO
I was trying to be fancy using a pepper grinder and now I’m just exhausted from the manual labor
My therapist says I’m making progress but that’s only because I lie to her
A dumpster is a sacred place. I am a bear.
When I say I’m not like other girls, I mean that I don’t mind bugs or dirt. Otherwise I am exactly like other girls, and yes, I’m still mad about that thing you said in August of 2009.
everybody has a drawer in their home that contains both garbage and the most important documents a human can have
Wife: *falls in volcano*
Me: You ok, honey?
Wife: Ya. Can you toss me a blanket?
Best headline I’ve seen in so very long…
No, you’re not fat, you’re just easy to see.
I’m not saying my son’s basketball team is really bad. I’m typing it.
[First Date]
Her: Your Tinder profile says you’re a great listener
Me: Really. Ugh. That’s a typo. It should say I’m a “great listener.”
I was told my $750 iPhone would improve the quality of my phone calls, but my family keeps calling telling me the same shit.
My kids are fighting about who the cat likes more. We don’t even have a cat
Why is it when I buy something a size up and want it to shrink it stays exactly the same size. But when I buy something that fits perfectly it comes out of the dryer looking like it was made for a small child? I’m pretty sure it’s a conspiracy by Big Textile.
My hair is so strong you can floss your teeth with it
– me flirting
its a good thing we swallow 8 spiders a year bc if it werent for those spiders, we’d be swalowing hundreds of flies and smaller insects