not a total stranger telling me I’d “better find a man before all the good ones are gone,” on the same day Twitter announces a potential dating app. not today, satan
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nurse: time of death
doctor: 4:19—
[i take one last breath]
doctor: it’s still 4:19 you idiot
How did you get this number..?
– me to my whole family..
For those without heat in Texas, there are warming shelters throughout the state. See map at link below or call 211 for assistance. If you have a medical device that requires power, call 911. Texas twitter, please add additional resources to this thread.
I’m having problems with favstar. Can all of you trophy me to see if it’s working right now? Thanks.
I’ve never felt more geriatric than when I just looked up movie times and audibly gasped at the audacity of a 9:45 pm start. No sir! I will be 30 min into my melatonin induced coma by then.
when people say “I have two awesome kids” I always wonder how many they have total
None of the scenarios in which I would require a watch that works 200m underwater are situations in which my watch would be my main concern.
Funny how whenever I ask someone how a girl I knew is doing, the first thing they say is “married.”
Like that’s gonna stop me!
When my laptop asks “Are you sure?”, it’s because it still remembers all of the other bad decisions I have made.
Blood is thicker than water but has nothing on Thousand Island dressing.
[Please Do Not Tap Glass. Snakes Do Not Have Fingers And Will Get Jealous.]
Missiles? Is there a Misteriles?
Cat: flake of pill in two pounds of fresh tuna? Refused.
Dog: pill the size of a grill wrapped in american cheese? No problem.
This could be us but you keep mumbling about your dignity.
They don’t tell you that it is perfectly legal to swim out into the ocean, grab whatever fish you can, & eat it on the way back
Ah yes, it’s that time of year where TurboTax threatens me to use their services, else they’ll bring me to financial ruin
Just threw out my back getting the cool side of the pillow and I’m pretty sure the cat is laughing at me.
People say I’m not very responsible, when in fact I’m responsible for “pajama casual” being added to the employee handbook as inappropriate.
It’s been a weird day so I’m shaving my eyebrows off.
I meant to tell a flight attendant I needed a lavatory but I said laboratory instead, and that’s how I got strip searched at 35K feet.
Waiting for my family to go to sleep so I can do that thing I like*
*eat the good cheese
[Updates Christian Mingle bio]
“Just like Moses, I pay attention to the bush first”“You have 999 new matches”
I’d like to speak to America’s manager.
Psssst. You guys. When Canada is sleeping we should sneak up there and remove the all the U keys from their keyboards.
The roof of my mouth just healed from that Hot Pocket I had in 2003.
him: will you at least act normal when my folks get here
me: *flipping a pancake and reading it like a tarot card* bad news
Cashier: Your total is $2,334.00.
Me: Can you take off the avocado?
Cashier: Okay, that will be $2.00.
*first date*
Brain: Quick say something intresting
Me: Lasagna is spaghetti flavored cake
Brain: Nice
Gandalf: NONE SHALL PASS
Pharmacist: in that case I suggest prune juice, it’s a great natural laxative
Freddy Kruger: I’ll get you in your sleep!
Me: Good luck with that.
(4am)
Freddy: *yawning* What the hell? Go to sleep already.
Me: Jokes on you. I’m only up to 4th grade on reliving my most embarrassing moments in life.
Freddy: NOOOOOOOOOO!!!!!