I had professional respect for you but then you said “recognizance” when you meant ‘reconnaissance.’
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Today was so terrible, I thought
Steven Seagal was in it.
Pharrell Williams put out a fire on Kim Kardashian’s dress this week. Dude is really taking that Smokey the Bear hat of his to heart.
*passenger next to me starts putting on headphones*
Are you mad at me?
The main problem with having a tattoo is that whenever you go to a small town there’s always a slight chance that the locals will have a prophecy about an outsider bearing that exact mark.
If pigs could fly it would make this pig catapult that I just built completely obsolete.
Gas is so cheap right now, I just buy a new car when I run out.
Dearly beloved, we are gathered together before God & these witnesses to observe the following: 2, 3, 5, 7, 11, 13, 17, 19
-Prime Minister
If you have an easy firstborn child, don’t feel good about yourself. It’s a trick from Mother Nature so you, fueled by false confidence, reproduce again. Your second will be a no-limit soldier who likes to slap and doesn’t sleep.
“Are you listening to understand or to be right?”
~ sometimes pretending to listen results in unexpected mutiple choice questions
Some people were born into their job.
Wow, so it’s true… Toddlers in Tiaras is the prequel to 16 and Pregnant which is the Prequel to Intervention
People always throwing cursed objects into the sea hello, no that is how you get haunted sharks
WIFE: I thought you said you were going to the gym.
ME: [playing Pokémon Go] I’ve been to like 3 of them today. What are you talking about?
[sees a shredded guy at the gym]
Me: cake tho
I like to ask strangers in line at the DMV to guess my weight just so I can see what I can get away with putting on my license.
Twitter is cool because you can sit in your underwear and talk to friends and if you try that in real life you will no longer be allowed within 500 feet of ANY Starbucks
me: *finds new bruise*
brain: press it
(3am, my kid wakes up)
Me: *Pretends to be asleep*
My wife: *Pretends to be more asleep*
Me: *Pretends to be even more asleep*
My wife: *Pretends to be even way more asleep*
When my 2 y.o. throws a temper tantrum, I suddenly don’t feel so bad about leaving her with massive national debt & a destroyed environment.
[1st date]
waiter: can I bring you anything?
her: maybe some Worcestersh–
me: BESTERshire please! Nothing’s too good for–
her: and the check
[first date]
Her: So what do you do?
Him: I’m a scientist.
Her: Cool. What kind?
Him: Mad. *electrical storm begins outside*
*gets several new followers on Sunday
*adds Jesus to resume
“I am not creepy” I yelled as I rollerbladed past your house.
Genius idea!!
Who does Amazon think I am?
[Little Caesar’s meeting]
“We need a new, clever slogan”
*everyone looks at Jim*
Jim: Um… Pizza…Pizza?
“Jim…U just saved this company”
comedy isn’t about making people laugh. it’s about asking people in the front row, who politely sat there despite not wanting to, what their favorite sexual position is and then mocking them regardless of their answer before posting that interaction on every conceivable platform
1980s : average parent ; 4 kids
2016: average kid ; 4 parents
John Denver: Almost heaven-
Me: Wow the place he’s singing about must be amazing
John Denver: -West Virginia
Me: Ok
I want cake, to get cake I must get dressed, to get dressed I have to get out of bed, to get out of bed I need cake.