Why do birds suddenly appear/every time you are near/just like me they long to be/eating your sandwich
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Yes, my name is Kirk
Yes, my parents were Star Trek fans
Yes, I never heard these questions before
Yes, you are good at icebreakers
HER: Does your dog do any tricks?
ME: I taught him to lie on the bed
H: That’s not impressive lol
DOG [gets on bed] I wrote The Hobbit
Eating chocolate pudding from a diaper is a good way to get a whole row to yourself at the cinema.
My husband is extra efficient.
He leaves cabinets open for next time.
(pretending to be well-read to impress a girl)
War and Peace? Yeah I loved that one
“What was your favorite part?”
I’d have to say the Peace
2023 was just a warmup
For my niece’s 7th birthday, I’m filling a pinata with a smaller pinata. When she breaks it open I’m gonna yell “Oh God! She was pregnant!”
How can a pair of men’s swim trunks be $90?! Is the net for your privates lined with gold?
[table of 6 year olds in lab coats]
How are we supposed to find a cure for cooties if we
*bangs fist on table*
CAN’T EVEN FIND WALDO?!
*during an argument
**command Z, command Z
Well damn, that didn’t work
Still looking for the Christmas presents I hid last year.
*at a shower
Our next game is using a roll of toilet paper to dress her in a death shroud.
[friend whispers to me]
Sorry. Wedding dress.
Families that do Christmas card photo shoots months before Christmas have the organizational skills of high-level Nazis.
me: you’re killing it
my murderer: that’s so nice of you to say
[me adjusting paintball mask] it’s too bad we aren’t on the same team
date: yeah
There’s this guy at work who’s giving his wife a gym membership & a vegetable juicer for her birthday tomorrow.
His name was Tom.
Miniature Donkeys escaped out of the fence and are heading to town and I’m pretty sure the damn cat orchestrated the entire plan.
Wife: My water broke!
Me: I’ll call the plumber
Wife: My baby’s coming!
Me: I’m sorry, since when is the plumber your “baby”?
It’s not an argument. I’m right, and you’re just saying things.
Me: give me all the brisket you have
Food truck attendant: jesus I’m driving 80, how are you still holding on
me: meet my invisible gf
friend: u don’t have to settle for that
me: ok but she’s–
friend: i was talking to her
Me, excited: Are we gonna go in the Mosh Pet!
-You mean the mosh PIT, right?
Me, sad: *Furtively puts my dog grooming kit away*
A bird in the… *BLOCKED*
Birds of … *BLOCKED
The early bird catches the wo…*BLOCKED & REPORTED FOR ABUSIVE CONTENT-worms on Twitter
The moral of Pinocchio is that lying is only bad if it’s really obvious.
I want a boyfriend but I also want the pizza all to myself so you see my dilemma
Don’t get too excited when someone says “and Bob’s your uncle”. It’s just a figure of speech
Sleeping Beauty gave me entirely too much hope that there were spells to keep you asleep for years at a time.
Started hearing a weird rattle in my car, then something fell off and the rattle was gone, did u guys know that 2004 corolla’s had self healing technology?
Why is “you’re a peach” a compliment but “you’re bananas” is an insult? Why do we allow such fruit discrimination?