the only difference between 15 year old me and current me is that if i fell off of a skateboard now i would die.
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[face pressed against the glass case in the butcher shop] This is a bad zoo
So inspired right now.
I’d love this…lol
her: i hate ultimatums
me (thought she said “old tomatoes”): well i love them, so time to decide. it’s them or me.
Just vacuumed my couch and found 16 bobby pins, 84 cents, 3 kinds of cereal, a spoon and a live hedgehog.
[first day as a police sketch artist]
Victim: Why is there a meerkat in the picture?
Me: I used to do this at the zoo
I love when people tell me to get my act together and I’m like who the hell is acting geez.
I got carded at the liquor store. While getting my ID out my Blockbuster card fell out. He laughed and said “Never mind.”
I say, “Hi, friend,” to every animal I see, every time I see one, so they know I’m not their enemy, even to my own pets & it lessens my chances of being attacked.
Therapist: *pinching bridge of nose* I don’t charge enough an hour for this.
Me: *sees his fish tank* “Hi, friend.”
The romaine empire has fallen. Cesar is dead. Lettuce pray.
I got lost from my family at Target and when they finally found me my 10-year-old said, “see I told you she would be by the candles.”
Did you just call me a boombox? Eugh that’s such a stereotype
If some guy wearing a bulletproof vest mocks you, shoot him in the arms so he can’t take it off, haha who’s laughing now fancy vest guy
Yesterday was International Day of Happiness. If you find yourself feeling happy today by mistake, don’t panic. Just focus on the news until the feeling passes.
Erm…
[throwing out the baby]
Me: Oh shit, my bathwater!
If you say “NO YOURE UNDER ARREST” the cop legally has to get in the back of your car.
therapist: what do you think is your greatest fear
me: what if you dropped a baby and it landed on its feet
BOUNCER: *checking ID* this doesn’t look like you
CATERPILLAR: *adjusts makeshift wings* its me
B: oh yeah? Fly then
C: uh *starts sweating*
Dads love giving the grill tongs a couple of test claps every few minutes
[before animals were invented]
plants: this is nice
I’m going to adopt a tapeworm. Perfect pet, cheap to feed, doesn’t pee, bark, chew stuff or sit on your head. Best bit, it makes you skinny.
Insomniacs who are not afraid of the dark have nighty-night problems but the pitch ain’t one.
teacher: what did you do over summer vacation?
susie who was possessed by a demon in early july: *hanging upside down from the ceiling* mostly vomited swarms of hell bees at my mom in the hamptons
teacher: wow the hamptons? must be nice
Coral is stupid in my opinion. You’re a rock that can die? Sounds like the worst of both worlds but “you do you”
My son ran away again, but it gets worse. I think this time he took the remote.
I can relate to Eminem because I’m also a black man trapped in a white woman’s body.
I used to believe in International Women’s Day… then I realised it was just my dad sneaking into my room, dressed as an International Woman.
just found out the guy who is lying about the trans flag being the “MAP flag” was charged in court as a pedophile